No post today, but as a follow-up to yesterday's post, in which I may now refer to myself as Nostradamus.
Thank you Cal, for answering my prayers. Now on to the inevitable coaching search that will produce a candidate unfit to coach an intramural team...
Can't wait!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
awesome/sucks: march madness
It’s that time of year again. The time when we all pretend to care about college basketball for a month as its presented in such a concentrated, gambling-fueled orgy that its impossible not to get sucked in. Well, except for my UCLA brethren, who actually have things called “tradition” and “expectations” year in and year out. They actually always give a crap. But March Madness is really one of those sporting events that manages to galvanize people from all walks of life and never fails to produce a flooding torrent of emotions. Case in point: Silvestre Aguilar and JDB (not their real names) called me after Chris Webber called his fateful timeout against North Carolina to make fun of me for backing the Wolverines and I shed legitimate tears. I still hate those guys.
Well, that particularly embarrassing revelation aside… let’s kick this pig!
awesome: upsets, gambling, brackets
No bones about it – there are a SLEW of awesome things about March Madness. Who doesn’t love a good upset? Watching Duke’s current batch of WASPs get their asses handed to them by a plucky Devry school? A highlight of a grossly undersized white point guard making an improbable three at the buzzer that will undoubtedly be the highlight of his inevitably mundane life? The triumph of the human spirit? OK, two out of three ain’t bad. Regardless, upsets are the games we always remember from year to year, not the miserable 7-10 seed matchup in the Midwest region that makes you want to end your own life. And hey, its not like Bryce Drew will ever have to pay for a meal in Gary again.
You know what’s great about upsets? They go great with the second awesome thing about March Madness… gambling! As a card-carrying degenerate, there is literally nothing better than waddling over to a sportsbook at 9am on a Thursday, withdrawing a grand of hard-earned (wink) cash, constructing a series of ludicrous parlays that have worse odds than the Spears-Federline children, and spending a solid eleven hours reaffirming the fact that you have a serious, serious gambling problem. Everyone has their own favorite gambling memories of March Madness. I remember hitting a parlay of three underdogs that was particularly amazing at the time, but nothing matches the Duke-UConn Final Four game several years ago. With the game out of reach and Duke down by four, Chris Duhon hit a half-court shot to narrow the gap in an inconsequential manner. I still remember immediately thinking to myself – there are some pissed-off mofos in Vegas right now. Yes, that was my first thought. What can I say.
Finally, March Madness rules for its prodigious usage of brackets. No other sports event is better set-up for office pools, unless you count the Tour de France. Who do you have in your peloton? Nothing beats picking your bracket like a standard dude, meaning tons of upsets, while the chick in accounting with the huge knockers picks straight chalk and pulls out a convincing win. I inevitably always choose one monumentally stupid Final Four team, and it warrants mentioning that once again, I am easily inhabiting the cellar of my pool all by myself. None of these issues affects the awesomeness of these brackets, though. Even if you do pick yours by which teams have the best mascots.
[shaking head]
sucks: whining about bubble teams, the fact that there’s 65 teams in the first place
If there’s anything that sucks about March Madness, it’s the fuss over who gets in and who gets shown the door. Seriously, we’re arguing about which team is going to get a 12 seed, maybe hit a couple of lucky breaks in the first round before being ass-rammed by a legit team some way along the road? Just ridiculous. There are several terrible facets of these fruitless arguments, which never change:
awesome/sucks: watching your team win the NIT
This one hits especially close to home. As you may well know, basketball was officially killed the University of California, Berkeley by former coach Todd Bozeman, who basically handed the keys to the program and undoubtedly several nice vehicles to former player Jason Kidd. Keep in mind, I’m not referring to Mr. Kidd as an alumnus because as far as I can tell, he never graduated from the university. I will say that at the very least, he is the author of one of my favorite quotes ever by an athlete, saying he wanted to come in and change the culture of a losing locker room and transform things “360 degrees.” Went to UC Berkeley, ladies and gentlemen. One of the finest institutions on the planet.
[audible sigh]
But I digress. Cal’s basketball program has thus been woefully inept since the inevitable sanctions assigned to us, as well as our penchant for recruiting players who might as well book their flights to Europe ahead of time to save on the airfare. I would say that Cal’s current coach, Ben Braun, couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag, but given that he is familiar with recruiting paper bags, he’s probably attuned to their tendencies (the one caveat would be Leon Powe, who is one of my all-time favorite Cal athletes ever and is actually a genuinely good human being).
Anyways, the Golden Bears won the NIT in 1999, shortly after I signed my letter of intent to go to Cal (amid very little fanfare). Now, it’s great to win things in general. The NIT, however, is not one of those things. Sure it was great to string together a few wins over a bunch of middling Jesuit schools, but it’s not something to write home about. Ask the Onion. And as great as it was to demonstrate our school’s ability to pass effectively to teammates, score consistently, and play fundamental basketball (minus the three-man weave), nothing can erase the humiliation of looking up the rafters at Haas Pavilion and seeing this banner.
As a frequenter of Pauley Pavilion down at UCLA, that's just pathetic. Now excuse me while I prepare for football season.
awesome/sucks: vid of the day
In honor of the start of baseball season, I give you... the Dodgers.
And though not a vid, I couldn't find anywhere else to link to this. May be my favorite news article of this young year.
Well, that particularly embarrassing revelation aside… let’s kick this pig!
awesome: upsets, gambling, brackets
No bones about it – there are a SLEW of awesome things about March Madness. Who doesn’t love a good upset? Watching Duke’s current batch of WASPs get their asses handed to them by a plucky Devry school? A highlight of a grossly undersized white point guard making an improbable three at the buzzer that will undoubtedly be the highlight of his inevitably mundane life? The triumph of the human spirit? OK, two out of three ain’t bad. Regardless, upsets are the games we always remember from year to year, not the miserable 7-10 seed matchup in the Midwest region that makes you want to end your own life. And hey, its not like Bryce Drew will ever have to pay for a meal in Gary again.
You know what’s great about upsets? They go great with the second awesome thing about March Madness… gambling! As a card-carrying degenerate, there is literally nothing better than waddling over to a sportsbook at 9am on a Thursday, withdrawing a grand of hard-earned (wink) cash, constructing a series of ludicrous parlays that have worse odds than the Spears-Federline children, and spending a solid eleven hours reaffirming the fact that you have a serious, serious gambling problem. Everyone has their own favorite gambling memories of March Madness. I remember hitting a parlay of three underdogs that was particularly amazing at the time, but nothing matches the Duke-UConn Final Four game several years ago. With the game out of reach and Duke down by four, Chris Duhon hit a half-court shot to narrow the gap in an inconsequential manner. I still remember immediately thinking to myself – there are some pissed-off mofos in Vegas right now. Yes, that was my first thought. What can I say.
Finally, March Madness rules for its prodigious usage of brackets. No other sports event is better set-up for office pools, unless you count the Tour de France. Who do you have in your peloton? Nothing beats picking your bracket like a standard dude, meaning tons of upsets, while the chick in accounting with the huge knockers picks straight chalk and pulls out a convincing win. I inevitably always choose one monumentally stupid Final Four team, and it warrants mentioning that once again, I am easily inhabiting the cellar of my pool all by myself. None of these issues affects the awesomeness of these brackets, though. Even if you do pick yours by which teams have the best mascots.
[shaking head]
sucks: whining about bubble teams, the fact that there’s 65 teams in the first place
If there’s anything that sucks about March Madness, it’s the fuss over who gets in and who gets shown the door. Seriously, we’re arguing about which team is going to get a 12 seed, maybe hit a couple of lucky breaks in the first round before being ass-rammed by a legit team some way along the road? Just ridiculous. There are several terrible facets of these fruitless arguments, which never change:
- Acronyms like SOS and RPI are rammed down the gullets of the American sports viewing public like a Peter North video (c’mon, you get the reference. We’re all friends here.)
- People with job titles like “Bracketologist” get major airtime on ESPN and other sports shows, despite no clear expression of tangible skills and limited job prospects should this position cease to exist
- Syracuse is inevitably on the bubble
awesome/sucks: watching your team win the NIT
This one hits especially close to home. As you may well know, basketball was officially killed the University of California, Berkeley by former coach Todd Bozeman, who basically handed the keys to the program and undoubtedly several nice vehicles to former player Jason Kidd. Keep in mind, I’m not referring to Mr. Kidd as an alumnus because as far as I can tell, he never graduated from the university. I will say that at the very least, he is the author of one of my favorite quotes ever by an athlete, saying he wanted to come in and change the culture of a losing locker room and transform things “360 degrees.” Went to UC Berkeley, ladies and gentlemen. One of the finest institutions on the planet.
[audible sigh]
But I digress. Cal’s basketball program has thus been woefully inept since the inevitable sanctions assigned to us, as well as our penchant for recruiting players who might as well book their flights to Europe ahead of time to save on the airfare. I would say that Cal’s current coach, Ben Braun, couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag, but given that he is familiar with recruiting paper bags, he’s probably attuned to their tendencies (the one caveat would be Leon Powe, who is one of my all-time favorite Cal athletes ever and is actually a genuinely good human being).
Anyways, the Golden Bears won the NIT in 1999, shortly after I signed my letter of intent to go to Cal (amid very little fanfare). Now, it’s great to win things in general. The NIT, however, is not one of those things. Sure it was great to string together a few wins over a bunch of middling Jesuit schools, but it’s not something to write home about. Ask the Onion. And as great as it was to demonstrate our school’s ability to pass effectively to teammates, score consistently, and play fundamental basketball (minus the three-man weave), nothing can erase the humiliation of looking up the rafters at Haas Pavilion and seeing this banner.
As a frequenter of Pauley Pavilion down at UCLA, that's just pathetic. Now excuse me while I prepare for football season.
awesome/sucks: vid of the day
In honor of the start of baseball season, I give you... the Dodgers.
And though not a vid, I couldn't find anywhere else to link to this. May be my favorite news article of this young year.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
awesome/sucks: the leading man who is neither a leader nor a man.
During a particularly unfruitful weekend of TV watching, I happened upon Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. Despite every other inclination to do otherwise, I managed to stick it out and watch the entire movie. Whether this was a testament to inertia or an expression of serious deep-seated psychological defects, it happened and there’s no getting around it. At the end of that painfully self-aware experience that ended up ruining an otherwise enjoyable Sunday, I thought to myself, “if I have to suffer through this embarrassment, then at least my readership of three will have to go through these indignities as well.” With that, I give you: Rob Schneider.
awesome: Rob Schneider, in a supplementary role
Whether it’s acting as one of the Gap girls, the role of the “you can do it” guy from The Waterboy, the “three seashells” cop from Demolition Man, or the foreign delivery guy from Big Daddy, Mssr. Schneider has always fared well in a supporting role. Why may you ask? Simply put, it gives him less of a chance to fuck things up. He also receives bonus points for the afore-mentioned performance in Demolition Man, mainly because as any of my high-school friends will tell you, I once showed up an hour late to my freshman Homecoming Dance because I was watching that movie at home. As you might guess, I wasn’t exactly a hit with the ladies at the time.
Regardless, I always felt that Rob Schneider always was great in efforts that did not require much substance from him, given that his acting “talents” tended to preclude him from the sentence I just wrote.
sucks: Rob Schneider, in a leading role
Feel free to peruse the man’s imdb.com page sometime. Literally, it’s a murderer’s row of the mediocre, and that may be being kind. These are the types of movies that if you stumbled upon them on TBS or were subjected to them on a long flight, you would at least consider ending your own life. Not that you'd do it, but it would at least be on the table. Case in point:
- The Hot Chick
- The Animal
- Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
- Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
- The Benchwarmers
Holy shit. What an out and out travesty. This man has spewed more crap than Linda Blair in the Exorcist. The sheer volume of excrement this man has emitted into the atmosphere over the last decade or so has reportedly got his house listed as a Superfund site, where his movements are monitored constantly by the EPA.
In summation, I feel the creators of South Park really hit the nail on the head.
awesome/sucks: being an attractive young starlet and landing the romantic lead in a film, only to find out your co-star is Rob Schneider
Look at those beautiful young things!
(exasperated)
(sighing)
(momentarily questioning the meaning of life)
With Rob Schneider???? How does a Hollywood agent not avoid him like the plague??
Seriously, I honestly feel bad for these girls. You study all your life to be an actress. Drama classes and off-Broadway productions to really hone those acting chops. Toning your body at the gym, linguistics classes to sharpen accents and delivery, complete dedication. Finally landing that part. That's the awesome part. All that work, finally paying off. Then you show up to the set the first day and you’ve got Rob Schneider waiting for you. Talk about a kick in the proverbial junk.
Utterly unbelievable. No word yet on whether any of these women has ever been heard from again. Come to think of it, these girls all probably have their own island together somewhere, where they conduct Rob Schneider self-help groups to erase the painful scars of a misspent youth. They certainly can't show themselves around Hollywood anymore, as having made out with Rob Schneider - even if merely for a movie - is more acute career suicide than having acted in a German schiesse film. I think if these gals were given the option to have acted across from Schneider or getting herpes, they would probably side with the latter.
awesome/sucks vid of the day:
Quick hitters today. My continued mockery of David Lee Roth and a good take on the Pick-Up Artist.
awesome: Rob Schneider, in a supplementary role
Whether it’s acting as one of the Gap girls, the role of the “you can do it” guy from The Waterboy, the “three seashells” cop from Demolition Man, or the foreign delivery guy from Big Daddy, Mssr. Schneider has always fared well in a supporting role. Why may you ask? Simply put, it gives him less of a chance to fuck things up. He also receives bonus points for the afore-mentioned performance in Demolition Man, mainly because as any of my high-school friends will tell you, I once showed up an hour late to my freshman Homecoming Dance because I was watching that movie at home. As you might guess, I wasn’t exactly a hit with the ladies at the time.
Regardless, I always felt that Rob Schneider always was great in efforts that did not require much substance from him, given that his acting “talents” tended to preclude him from the sentence I just wrote.
sucks: Rob Schneider, in a leading role
Feel free to peruse the man’s imdb.com page sometime. Literally, it’s a murderer’s row of the mediocre, and that may be being kind. These are the types of movies that if you stumbled upon them on TBS or were subjected to them on a long flight, you would at least consider ending your own life. Not that you'd do it, but it would at least be on the table. Case in point:
- The Hot Chick
- The Animal
- Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
- Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
- The Benchwarmers
Holy shit. What an out and out travesty. This man has spewed more crap than Linda Blair in the Exorcist. The sheer volume of excrement this man has emitted into the atmosphere over the last decade or so has reportedly got his house listed as a Superfund site, where his movements are monitored constantly by the EPA.
In summation, I feel the creators of South Park really hit the nail on the head.
awesome/sucks: being an attractive young starlet and landing the romantic lead in a film, only to find out your co-star is Rob Schneider
Look at those beautiful young things!
(exasperated)
(sighing)
(momentarily questioning the meaning of life)
With Rob Schneider???? How does a Hollywood agent not avoid him like the plague??
Seriously, I honestly feel bad for these girls. You study all your life to be an actress. Drama classes and off-Broadway productions to really hone those acting chops. Toning your body at the gym, linguistics classes to sharpen accents and delivery, complete dedication. Finally landing that part. That's the awesome part. All that work, finally paying off. Then you show up to the set the first day and you’ve got Rob Schneider waiting for you. Talk about a kick in the proverbial junk.
Utterly unbelievable. No word yet on whether any of these women has ever been heard from again. Come to think of it, these girls all probably have their own island together somewhere, where they conduct Rob Schneider self-help groups to erase the painful scars of a misspent youth. They certainly can't show themselves around Hollywood anymore, as having made out with Rob Schneider - even if merely for a movie - is more acute career suicide than having acted in a German schiesse film. I think if these gals were given the option to have acted across from Schneider or getting herpes, they would probably side with the latter.
awesome/sucks vid of the day:
Quick hitters today. My continued mockery of David Lee Roth and a good take on the Pick-Up Artist.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
A post only Barnicle and Selvestre Aguilar will get...
Colina Middle School bus drivers:
*Note: because images of these giants of the bus driving industry exist only in our fond memories, I have provided celebrity look-a-likes for each so that the reader may picture a close likeness of them.
Awesome: Mel
Mel was just the type of school bus driver you love: so lazy that he didn't care if you threw candy corn on his bus, with a touch of surliness that made him endearing. He generally ignored any offers of proof that you actually belonged on that bus route. His growls were limited to extreme instances of tomfoolery, which were limited out of respect for the man. He looked the part as well, with an unkempt appearance, shirt untucked. He had a shady, scraggily beard flecked with white whiskers and bread crumbs. He was a man who made $11.35 an hour and didn't ask more of life. A true gentleman.
Celebrity look-a-like: A poor man's Dom Deluise.
Sucks: Olay (aka "Greg 'Bollee' Williams)
Olay was our driver for the better part of 7th grade. A good guy, but he took his job seriously and made a real effort to enforce the unwritten bus rules. These attempts opened him to a torrent of ridicule at the hands of many, including his nemesis in chief, Martin "Spagone" Ighani. He was frequently pelted with objects of varying sizes. He wore leather gloves to drive, so as to have a better grip on the wheel, and made liberal use of the mirror to monitor the bus. On one of the last days of school, Olay finally informed the
crowd that his name was not Olay, but Greg "Bollee" Williams. I remember I felt bad that we had called him "Olay" for nearly a year. Olay had constant problems with the bus' manual shifting, and thus was a poor driver. His crowning achievement was crapping out the transmission on a busy stretch of road, forcing two of this blog's contributors to walk several miles home through the drainage creek. I remember thinking, "I can't believe he's just letting dozens of kids walk home." These are the types of things that keep bus company's general counsels up at night.Celebrity look a like: a combination of Star Wars-era Billy Dee Williams and a younger Lester from The Wire.
Awesome/Sucks: Mel's daughter Kim
At some point, Mel's daughter Kim took over Mel's route. I don't remember how we found out she was Mel's daughter. She sucked because she yelled at us constantly. She was awesome, though, for the greatest line ever uttered by a driver. One day, we were in open rebellion against her ironfisted rule like the Sons of Liberty in Boston in 1775. One intrepid Sam Adams-like character dragged family into it, daring to start the chant: "WE WANT MEL! WE WANT MEL!" After several minutes of chanting, it reached a crescendo, and, in between our chants, perfectly timed, she screamed: "YEAH? SO DOES YOUR MOMMA!!!!!!" The house came down in a chorus of "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" It was a Pyhrric victory, because it only caused more noise. Some would credit this day as inventing the Class of 99 cheer, which was a derisive and melodic "OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Celebrity look-a-like: Ricki Lake circa 1993.
awesome/sucks vid of the day
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
awesome/sucks: sweet tooth
First of all, my fateful brethren, let me apologize for my recent lack of posts. To put it one way, my job currently pays me a sum of money to perform certain tasks at certain times, many of which I find to be inconvenient while running a sputtering social life and a blog which only entertains myself (and occasionally another sap or two). To put it another way, I won't exactly be filling out awesome/sucks on my 1040 form in 2008, unless of course I sell out like a mo fo, throw on some podcasts, and subversively include more advertisements than an Austin Powers movie. Anyways, I am declaring that I am back with a vengeance, and am calling an "all hands on deck" for continued a/s submissions.
Today I thought I would touch upon a spectrum of candy products, especially poignant in the light of another classic Barnes failed new year's resolution of trimming down. Fuck.
awesome: fun dip
Is there a candy that beats Fun Dip? Seriously, name one? You dip a stick of sugar... in more sugar! Fucking brilliant! Again, I can not for the life of me wonder why our country is such a teeming mass of fat asses. Jared from Subway must have been sucking these down by the metric ton before he decided that marauding six-inch after six-inch (take that however you want) would be a good way to slim down from a D-cup. If you ever wonder why the nation is beset by methamphetamine addicts, video game junkies, and kids who pop ritalin to control an ever-rampaging ADD epidemic, it may just be because we've ran out of orifices with which to cram sugar into. Truly Fun Dip was ahead of its time.
Seriously though, I can not believe these things are still allowed to be sold on the open market, but the fact that they are - I think - leads me to believe someone up there likes us.
sucks: almond joy
Ewwwwww. Gross. Actually, I can't decide whether I like Almond Joy or Mounds less. I always get them confused. They are effectively the Milli and Vanilli or candy; you're probably going to confuse them from time to time, but they both suck anyways so who cares. Regardless, Almond Joy was the candy bar that decided to push all their chips to the middle of the table and cram coconut in the middle. That's essentially like me in Vegas ordering my seventh red bull vodka at a blackjack table - you've got to appreciate the gumption but that doesn't mean its a good idea. The short version of the Almond Joy-Mounds-suck duo is that if any house on the block gave them away for Halloween, they were surreptitiously blacklisted, only to have their house assaulted by eggs, shaving cream, toilet paper, and other accouterments in subsequent visits (Editor's Note: All potential vandalism cases have long since past statutes of limitations).
awesome/sucks: sour patch kids
Honestly, Sour Patch Kids are awesome. Let me just get that out of the way. I can not remember a single time I have purchased these demonic foodstuffs that did not result in me consuming the entire box in less than approximately 20 seconds. They're fantastic, there's no getting around it. A true culinary experience for the uninitiated. That being said...
There are some drawbacks to the candy. Some are a result of presentation, while other issues are a result of the items' unique design. First of all, NASA scientists have concluded after 7 years of double-blind studies - costing over $760 million in taxpayer contributions - that no current method of consumption of Sour Patch Kids can avoid the inevitable sticky handedness that results. I can only assume that the purveyors of Sour Patch Kids are waiting for the other shoe to drop on some massive multi-billion dollar dry cleaning class action suit.
Additionally, the packaging of these delicious candies in straw-form presents some logistical difficulties. Now, assuming you enjoy candy like the next person, the unique straw format presents an interesting new way to hasten your way to diabetes [cue inevitable Wilford Brimley link. OK, another link]. However, if you're like this guy I knew in college who drank soda via straws that were essentially composed of spun sugar, well then you're just a plain fuckin' weirdo. Again, he drank a drink with sugar utilizing a tool made of sugar that had sugar sprinkled on top. Seriously, the guy could have molested cockatoos in his spare time and would have been less ostracized. The moral of the story: if your method of consumption makes Jolt Cola look measured by comparison, it's time to reevaluate.
awesome/sucks video of the day:
Here comes a slew of fantastic videos that I have enjoyed over the past several weeks. Enjoy the inevitable impending timesink.
Hey Ron Paul, might want to be able to answer this in the future. It'll be asked. A lot.
Wasn't sure this was worth 18 million views, til I saw the produce.
Thanks to JDB for this. This kind of ruins all those Chicago Bulls intros in the 90's.
And finally, if you haven't seen the wonderful Jimmy Kimmel-Sarah Silverman-Matt Damon-Ben Affleck back-and-forth videos, climb out of from under that rock and check this and this out.
Expect more posts this week. Sorry clients!
Today I thought I would touch upon a spectrum of candy products, especially poignant in the light of another classic Barnes failed new year's resolution of trimming down. Fuck.
awesome: fun dip
Is there a candy that beats Fun Dip? Seriously, name one? You dip a stick of sugar... in more sugar! Fucking brilliant! Again, I can not for the life of me wonder why our country is such a teeming mass of fat asses. Jared from Subway must have been sucking these down by the metric ton before he decided that marauding six-inch after six-inch (take that however you want) would be a good way to slim down from a D-cup. If you ever wonder why the nation is beset by methamphetamine addicts, video game junkies, and kids who pop ritalin to control an ever-rampaging ADD epidemic, it may just be because we've ran out of orifices with which to cram sugar into. Truly Fun Dip was ahead of its time.
Seriously though, I can not believe these things are still allowed to be sold on the open market, but the fact that they are - I think - leads me to believe someone up there likes us.
sucks: almond joy
Ewwwwww. Gross. Actually, I can't decide whether I like Almond Joy or Mounds less. I always get them confused. They are effectively the Milli and Vanilli or candy; you're probably going to confuse them from time to time, but they both suck anyways so who cares. Regardless, Almond Joy was the candy bar that decided to push all their chips to the middle of the table and cram coconut in the middle. That's essentially like me in Vegas ordering my seventh red bull vodka at a blackjack table - you've got to appreciate the gumption but that doesn't mean its a good idea. The short version of the Almond Joy-Mounds-suck duo is that if any house on the block gave them away for Halloween, they were surreptitiously blacklisted, only to have their house assaulted by eggs, shaving cream, toilet paper, and other accouterments in subsequent visits (Editor's Note: All potential vandalism cases have long since past statutes of limitations).
awesome/sucks: sour patch kids
Honestly, Sour Patch Kids are awesome. Let me just get that out of the way. I can not remember a single time I have purchased these demonic foodstuffs that did not result in me consuming the entire box in less than approximately 20 seconds. They're fantastic, there's no getting around it. A true culinary experience for the uninitiated. That being said...
There are some drawbacks to the candy. Some are a result of presentation, while other issues are a result of the items' unique design. First of all, NASA scientists have concluded after 7 years of double-blind studies - costing over $760 million in taxpayer contributions - that no current method of consumption of Sour Patch Kids can avoid the inevitable sticky handedness that results. I can only assume that the purveyors of Sour Patch Kids are waiting for the other shoe to drop on some massive multi-billion dollar dry cleaning class action suit.
Additionally, the packaging of these delicious candies in straw-form presents some logistical difficulties. Now, assuming you enjoy candy like the next person, the unique straw format presents an interesting new way to hasten your way to diabetes [cue inevitable Wilford Brimley link. OK, another link]. However, if you're like this guy I knew in college who drank soda via straws that were essentially composed of spun sugar, well then you're just a plain fuckin' weirdo. Again, he drank a drink with sugar utilizing a tool made of sugar that had sugar sprinkled on top. Seriously, the guy could have molested cockatoos in his spare time and would have been less ostracized. The moral of the story: if your method of consumption makes Jolt Cola look measured by comparison, it's time to reevaluate.
awesome/sucks video of the day:
Here comes a slew of fantastic videos that I have enjoyed over the past several weeks. Enjoy the inevitable impending timesink.
Hey Ron Paul, might want to be able to answer this in the future. It'll be asked. A lot.
Wasn't sure this was worth 18 million views, til I saw the produce.
Thanks to JDB for this. This kind of ruins all those Chicago Bulls intros in the 90's.
And finally, if you haven't seen the wonderful Jimmy Kimmel-Sarah Silverman-Matt Damon-Ben Affleck back-and-forth videos, climb out of from under that rock and check this and this out.
Expect more posts this week. Sorry clients!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
awesome/sucks: seeing stars
With a mildly successful NBA All-Star Weekend in the books recently, I figured why not point out the pros and cons of these obviously forced, increasingly grating events? The phrase "All-Star" means different things to different people, as each of the three following participants can attest.
awesome: all-stars (chuck taylors)
I have only owned one pair of Chucks in my life, and it was a good experience. The reason I really enjoy this footwear is that they hearken back to a simpler time... a time when five white guys in incredibly short shorts would go out, run three-man weaves, practice bounce passes, and play solid "hands out" defense. Granted, the basketball was inferior and the short shorts a visual atrocity that you really must prepare yourself for, but damn those kicks were sweet. You can tell just how much basketball has evolved in that Chuck Taylors offered a pathetically limited amount of lateral support, which would inevitably lead to scores of ankles being broken during crossovers. I do also appreciate Dwyane Wade's alignment with Converse and basically resuscitating a moribund franchise.
If there were any drawback to these shoes, 'twould be that they are almost universally worn by hipsters in San Francisco and worn in harmony with the blazers I had referenced in earlier posts, but that is a small price to pay for awesomeness on the level of these shoes.
sucks: all-star (by smashmouth)
Good Lord. What a terrible band. While Nickelback seems firmly entrenched in the "awesome sucks" category, Smashmouth definitely can only claim one of those adjectives. Hint: it's not the former. I remember when the song "All Star" came out and saying to myself "this is a song that actually hurts my soul to listen to." A decade later has not altered these emotions. If anything, those flames of resentment have only been stoked as this song still managed to get rotation in commercials and radio airplay. Unbelievable. Perhaps the most fitting alignment of "quality of movie" and "lead soundtrack song" were this disaster and "Mystery Men." Somehow, Ben Stiller was able to shake the vestiges of failure from that debacle and go on to create approximately 753 movies in the 90s and 00s, of which perhaps 4 were funny (Editor's Note: Hundreds of millions of dollars in paychecks will make you care a lot less about scripts). Smashmouth, however, was never heard from again, until the lead singer appeared on Surreal Life. So basically, they were never heard from again.
awesome/sucks: all-star games (all sports)
Do you know how long it took me to find this picture? Baby Jordan baby! Harold Miner! All star games have got to be the most masturbatory, self-aggrandizing events in all of sport (which is saying something) that do not prominently feature Bryant Gumbel. The awesome aspects of these events are obvious. You get the greatest collection of talent under one roof (or on one field, in baseball's case), you see guys play together that normally wouldn't, dunk contests, home-run derbies, and in the NBA's case, you'll see approximately 110 alley-oop attempts in the course of a 48-minute game. I myself was treated to the 2000 NBA All-Star Game in Oakland courtesy of Silvestre Aguilar's father and got to watch Vince Carter brutally slaughter the fundamentals of basketball and AI perform the rarely-seen "five-step no-travel call." It was breathtaking to watch. The best part of that game was hearing that David Stern said Oakland was "unfit" to house the NBA's players so all the players, trainers, coaches, journalists, and anyone with even a remote connection to the game ended up staying in San Francisco, thus generating zero dollars for the Oakland economy. Whoops!
As far as the parts of all-star games that suck, they are numerous. The jerseys are typically such a fashion disaster that Helen Keller wouldn't wear one (too soon?). The level of intensity and effort ranks somewhere between "indifferent" and "actively trying to lose." The Pro Bowl isn't just a case of players mailing it in - being played a week after the Super Bowl renders it completely irrevelent, even in a society when the NFL combine gets round-the-clock coverage. My favorite moment of a shitty All-Star game goes back to the baseball one in Milwaukee where they ended up tied, ran out of pitchers and just called the game. I always loved how up in arms people got about that, especially given the fact that one team winning over another would still have had no effect on anything.
awesome/sucks vid of the day:
Thanks to Erio for this. Those aren't tongues... they're titles you idiot!
awesome: all-stars (chuck taylors)
I have only owned one pair of Chucks in my life, and it was a good experience. The reason I really enjoy this footwear is that they hearken back to a simpler time... a time when five white guys in incredibly short shorts would go out, run three-man weaves, practice bounce passes, and play solid "hands out" defense. Granted, the basketball was inferior and the short shorts a visual atrocity that you really must prepare yourself for, but damn those kicks were sweet. You can tell just how much basketball has evolved in that Chuck Taylors offered a pathetically limited amount of lateral support, which would inevitably lead to scores of ankles being broken during crossovers. I do also appreciate Dwyane Wade's alignment with Converse and basically resuscitating a moribund franchise.
If there were any drawback to these shoes, 'twould be that they are almost universally worn by hipsters in San Francisco and worn in harmony with the blazers I had referenced in earlier posts, but that is a small price to pay for awesomeness on the level of these shoes.
sucks: all-star (by smashmouth)
Good Lord. What a terrible band. While Nickelback seems firmly entrenched in the "awesome sucks" category, Smashmouth definitely can only claim one of those adjectives. Hint: it's not the former. I remember when the song "All Star" came out and saying to myself "this is a song that actually hurts my soul to listen to." A decade later has not altered these emotions. If anything, those flames of resentment have only been stoked as this song still managed to get rotation in commercials and radio airplay. Unbelievable. Perhaps the most fitting alignment of "quality of movie" and "lead soundtrack song" were this disaster and "Mystery Men." Somehow, Ben Stiller was able to shake the vestiges of failure from that debacle and go on to create approximately 753 movies in the 90s and 00s, of which perhaps 4 were funny (Editor's Note: Hundreds of millions of dollars in paychecks will make you care a lot less about scripts). Smashmouth, however, was never heard from again, until the lead singer appeared on Surreal Life. So basically, they were never heard from again.
awesome/sucks: all-star games (all sports)
Do you know how long it took me to find this picture? Baby Jordan baby! Harold Miner! All star games have got to be the most masturbatory, self-aggrandizing events in all of sport (which is saying something) that do not prominently feature Bryant Gumbel. The awesome aspects of these events are obvious. You get the greatest collection of talent under one roof (or on one field, in baseball's case), you see guys play together that normally wouldn't, dunk contests, home-run derbies, and in the NBA's case, you'll see approximately 110 alley-oop attempts in the course of a 48-minute game. I myself was treated to the 2000 NBA All-Star Game in Oakland courtesy of Silvestre Aguilar's father and got to watch Vince Carter brutally slaughter the fundamentals of basketball and AI perform the rarely-seen "five-step no-travel call." It was breathtaking to watch. The best part of that game was hearing that David Stern said Oakland was "unfit" to house the NBA's players so all the players, trainers, coaches, journalists, and anyone with even a remote connection to the game ended up staying in San Francisco, thus generating zero dollars for the Oakland economy. Whoops!
As far as the parts of all-star games that suck, they are numerous. The jerseys are typically such a fashion disaster that Helen Keller wouldn't wear one (too soon?). The level of intensity and effort ranks somewhere between "indifferent" and "actively trying to lose." The Pro Bowl isn't just a case of players mailing it in - being played a week after the Super Bowl renders it completely irrevelent, even in a society when the NFL combine gets round-the-clock coverage. My favorite moment of a shitty All-Star game goes back to the baseball one in Milwaukee where they ended up tied, ran out of pitchers and just called the game. I always loved how up in arms people got about that, especially given the fact that one team winning over another would still have had no effect on anything.
awesome/sucks vid of the day:
Thanks to Erio for this. Those aren't tongues... they're titles you idiot!
Monday, February 18, 2008
Awesome/Sucks Video of the Day
This video incites a rage in me to trade my car in for a Firebird, Drink a Rocket Fuel, and do donuts in the Santa Monica City Hall Parking Lot with half my body out of the car window flipping the bird.
Rocket Fuel: Take a 40 oz beverage, drink the top 1/3 down to the top of the label. Take a Sparks, pour into the 40 oz bottle slowly, enjoy.
Rocket Fuel: Take a 40 oz beverage, drink the top 1/3 down to the top of the label. Take a Sparks, pour into the 40 oz bottle slowly, enjoy.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Did someone say shmishmorshion?
In my eyes, the quintessential awesome/sucks post should really leave the reader feeling divided. It should present the reader with such a contradictory set of emotions and thoughts such that the wisdom of King Solomon himself would crumble before it. In a sense, it should leave the reader with an unsettling sense of balance regarding the issue, despite the significant amount of awesomeness/suckitude. Increasing the intensity of this feeling aids in accomplishing this goal since it further highlights the contrast between its conflicting qualities. As such, for my first post I decided on a rather controversial subject that's both intense and sure to leave readers divided...
Abortion: The End of a Beginning (?)
Now, before I get into this, I want to make it absolutely clear that I am not saying it is either correct nor incorrect. This is not the forum for the ethics and morality behind this practice. I believe this post should be solely and entirely in line with the mission statement of this web log and simply serve to highlight the awesome, sucky and awesomely sucky aspects of said practice. So, without further ado:
-Awesome:
Stop me if you've heard this one...
Now, I don't know about you, but I find the inclusion of dead baby jokes into my repertoire of daily conversations harder and harder as I grow older. Well, let me fill you in on a dead-baby-joke-telling trade secret: Abortions are absolutely the perfect tangent into dead baby jokes. Nothing rescues a conversation drowning in abortion-related awkwardness like a few dead baby jokes. Try it the next time it comes up at the water cooler!
Stem Cell Research
As an active member of the research community, I feel I can validly speak for many researchers out there in saying that embryonic stem cell research holds a incredible amount of promise in devising regenerative cures for injury or degenerative illness. Despite this, many nations have instituted a moritorium on embryonic stem cell research due to the nature of the extraction process. If everyone would just stop having their period over it, we could probably cure a great deal of people from getting "old". Not to mention it would let Superman walk again.
Roe v. Wade
No singular case in the history of US litigation has been so cited, referenced and discussed as Roe v. Wade [no reference]. This seminal case essentially set a standard by which to judge all abortions on, so we can tell the good ones from the bad ones. So when your time comes to get one (and trust me, your time will come), you'll know whether your going to heaven or hell.
-Sucks:
You're getting a WHAT?!
Few medical procedures incur the wrath of peers and loved ones like abortion. That instant and almost visceral reaction people have to the mere mention of the word tends to be a bit of a buzzkill. In order to avoid some of the suckiness that accompanies the delivery of any abortion news you might have to someday bear, I offer a quick list of alternative names for this procedure that might lighten the blow and make the experience fun again...
The Wedge Issue
Much like gay marriage, the issue of abortion has turned into a partisan tool for politicians to build/tear-down idealogical proponents/opponents. It has become one of those hot-button topics that gets more debate than action, effectively making it one of those tried and true political litmus tests. Abortion should not cost/benefit politicians, unless of course they're biologically involved.
Technically, it's murder...
Ok, to get down to the honest and morbid core of it all, it is ending a life... all in the name of 'inconvenience'. But is it really? Um, yes... yes it is.
-Awesome/Sucks:
Dude, rally at the quad at 6 o'clock...
Having attended a university that so proudly brandishes its history of civil rights demonstrations like a prison hobo and his lovingly handcrafted shiv, I love protesting as much as the next radical liberal. Few issues have inspired as many demonstrations, acts of vandalism and even terrorism as has abortion [no reference]. These, undoubtedly, have their place in the annals of history but do they have a place in your neighborhood? No, listening to people argue about their value systems, upbringing, and religious/secular interests in regards to abortion is about as annoying as watching The View, except everyone's high on speed and really angry. These things are like the special Olympics, they sound good on paper, but once it all gets going...
It's always nice to have options
I mean, just picture receiving that dreaded phone call, "Hey Mike... remember that time you came over to watch Fight Club? Yeah well..."
(fast forward 74 hours)
Dr. Liberal McBabykiller: "Well, I never endorse this decision but she seems healthy enough, you guys can also have an abortion as they are still technically legal under the [inaudible mumbling and coughing] act of nineteen ninety[cough] ."
Whorey McSluterson: "You know, dear, I'm not to keen on it, but I haven't really ruled out an abortion."
The overwhelming wave of awesome/sucks that washes over you at this point has got to leave a disappointingly yet exciting, bittersweet taste in your murderous mouth... you sick fuck....
Abortion: The End of a Beginning (?)Now, before I get into this, I want to make it absolutely clear that I am not saying it is either correct nor incorrect. This is not the forum for the ethics and morality behind this practice. I believe this post should be solely and entirely in line with the mission statement of this web log and simply serve to highlight the awesome, sucky and awesomely sucky aspects of said practice. So, without further ado:
-Awesome:
Stop me if you've heard this one...
Now, I don't know about you, but I find the inclusion of dead baby jokes into my repertoire of daily conversations harder and harder as I grow older. Well, let me fill you in on a dead-baby-joke-telling trade secret: Abortions are absolutely the perfect tangent into dead baby jokes. Nothing rescues a conversation drowning in abortion-related awkwardness like a few dead baby jokes. Try it the next time it comes up at the water cooler!
Stem Cell Research
As an active member of the research community, I feel I can validly speak for many researchers out there in saying that embryonic stem cell research holds a incredible amount of promise in devising regenerative cures for injury or degenerative illness. Despite this, many nations have instituted a moritorium on embryonic stem cell research due to the nature of the extraction process. If everyone would just stop having their period over it, we could probably cure a great deal of people from getting "old". Not to mention it would let Superman walk again.
Roe v. Wade
No singular case in the history of US litigation has been so cited, referenced and discussed as Roe v. Wade [no reference]. This seminal case essentially set a standard by which to judge all abortions on, so we can tell the good ones from the bad ones. So when your time comes to get one (and trust me, your time will come), you'll know whether your going to heaven or hell.
-Sucks:
You're getting a WHAT?!
Few medical procedures incur the wrath of peers and loved ones like abortion. That instant and almost visceral reaction people have to the mere mention of the word tends to be a bit of a buzzkill. In order to avoid some of the suckiness that accompanies the delivery of any abortion news you might have to someday bear, I offer a quick list of alternative names for this procedure that might lighten the blow and make the experience fun again...
- the half bake
- early bird special
- see a man about a coat...
- a frontal enema
The Wedge Issue
Much like gay marriage, the issue of abortion has turned into a partisan tool for politicians to build/tear-down idealogical proponents/opponents. It has become one of those hot-button topics that gets more debate than action, effectively making it one of those tried and true political litmus tests. Abortion should not cost/benefit politicians, unless of course they're biologically involved.
Technically, it's murder...
Ok, to get down to the honest and morbid core of it all, it is ending a life... all in the name of 'inconvenience'. But is it really? Um, yes... yes it is.
-Awesome/Sucks:
Dude, rally at the quad at 6 o'clock...
Having attended a university that so proudly brandishes its history of civil rights demonstrations like a prison hobo and his lovingly handcrafted shiv, I love protesting as much as the next radical liberal. Few issues have inspired as many demonstrations, acts of vandalism and even terrorism as has abortion [no reference]. These, undoubtedly, have their place in the annals of history but do they have a place in your neighborhood? No, listening to people argue about their value systems, upbringing, and religious/secular interests in regards to abortion is about as annoying as watching The View, except everyone's high on speed and really angry. These things are like the special Olympics, they sound good on paper, but once it all gets going...
It's always nice to have options
I mean, just picture receiving that dreaded phone call, "Hey Mike... remember that time you came over to watch Fight Club? Yeah well..."
(fast forward 74 hours)
Dr. Liberal McBabykiller: "Well, I never endorse this decision but she seems healthy enough, you guys can also have an abortion as they are still technically legal under the [inaudible mumbling and coughing] act of nineteen ninety[cough] ."
Whorey McSluterson: "You know, dear, I'm not to keen on it, but I haven't really ruled out an abortion."
The overwhelming wave of awesome/sucks that washes over you at this point has got to leave a disappointingly yet exciting, bittersweet taste in your murderous mouth... you sick fuck....
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
awesome/sucks: saved by the bell
That's right. It's Saved by the Bell time. Why not blog endlessly regarding a subject where everyone will have at least some context. In many ways, SBTB was a landmark show, a thread indisputably woven into the fabric of our childhoods. While this may seem like a ridiculous overstatement for a show that foisted Zack Attack upon a nation of unsuspecting youths and allowed Screech to pathetically grasp to fleeting stardom well past his agreed-upon shelf life, screw it. It's my blog. If you don't like it, mea culpa.
awesome: Saved by the Bell (regular)
Ahh..... the memories. By "regular", I should point out that I am referring to the high school years in Malibu, California, I have a theory that if you haven't seen each episode of the show 7 or 8 times you either A) are a Communist; B) traveled extensively in Eastern Europe throughout the 1990s, or; C) watch far less TV than me, which as any of my friends will attest, is fairly likely. So many great episodes to choose from. The "super serious" one where Jessie gets all hopped up on caffeine pills and busts out the "I'm so excited, I'm so scared!" soliloquy. The time the whole gang camps overnight in a mall to win U2 tickets. I-Owe-A Zack ten bucks. There's no hope with dope. The oil spill that occurred in Malibu on the Bayside High grounds. In Malibu. An oil spill... in Malibu. [shaking head]
I could go on.... but despite the show's ability to bring up the hot issue of the day in a fashion as subtle as a sledgehammer squashing a fly, this is a show most of us can still recite verbatim. And it remains truly awesome.
sucks: Saved by the Bell (the new class)
Holy shit! Trainwreck alert! Look at these losers... NBC should have just saved themselves the money and ran this billboard on the side of a milk carton so you could also plot the actors' future career paths. It's a safe assumption that any girl in this particular ad has most likely dabbled in the witches' brew that is Skinemax After Dark and I'm pretty sure that dude on the right washed my car the last time I was down in the Valley. And the nouveau-Screech... wow. I mean, if you can't hack it as the next Screech, it's time to pack it in. Something tells me his resume probably features prodigious usage of the word "fluffer."
Not even Belding could salvage this disaster, which should aptly be renamed Saved by the Bell: Hindenberg. I can't believe this is from a DVD cover - who would buy this? (Editor's Note: I looked for it on Amazon, shamefully) To make it worse, they kept making additional "The New Classes," assuming that they just hadn't found the right mix of actors. This delay in cancellation is widely assumed to be responsible for the recession of the early Nineties, the ongoing violence in Somalia throughout the decade, and the Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco scandal.
awesome/sucks: Saved by the Bell (The College Years), Saved by the Bell (Middle School)
The College Years have always been something I vacillated on. Granted, you get heaping doses of Zack, Slater, Screech, and later on, Kelly. And there is the omnipresent ham-fisted acting of Bob Golic, who the viewer is forced to believe has had such a fall from grace from a budding NFL career that he is now effectively managing a dorm. Again, I can accept that. But the new characters are garbage. The blonde chick who is less interesting than Gretchen Mol in Rounders? Check. A redheaded gal who manages to channel her inner Kathy Griffin and Fran Drescher? Check. Zack Morris, trotting out freeflowing blond mane that immediately created Keanu Reeves comparisons? Again, check. This show had its moments, but I constantly found myself trying to figure out how all those friends could have somehow managed to get into the same school. Well - I guess if you're like Zack and you get a 1502 on your SATs, you call the shots.
The middle school years fall back into that same trainwreck category, with some exceptions. Mikey may have been the worst second banana actor in history, which is saying something given the paucity of believable programming on Saturday mornings at the time. I would say something about the show lacking hot chicks, but they were all supposed to be in junior high at the time and I don't feel like making another deposition. Zack and Screech were decent, and Milo was cool. Good to see Belding getting his feet wet as well. Miss Bliss was irritating, but British, so expected. And the whole thing was set in Indianapolis. Yikes. The only saving grace giving this shitshow a respite from the "sucks" category was the episode where Zack tries to join the Rigmas and the one where that Debbie Gibson wannabe Stevie sings at their school. In the latter, Stevie sings with a microphone that doubles as a nightstick. Worth mentioning.
Oh, and let us never speak of the infamous second senior year of high school. Torrie never happened, you hear me! Never!
awesome/sucks vid of the day:
This one's for you, JDB. This one, too. Good thing you told me you like dudes in tight pants and ridiculous close-up camera angles. It's the best of both worlds!
awesome: Saved by the Bell (regular)
Ahh..... the memories. By "regular", I should point out that I am referring to the high school years in Malibu, California, I have a theory that if you haven't seen each episode of the show 7 or 8 times you either A) are a Communist; B) traveled extensively in Eastern Europe throughout the 1990s, or; C) watch far less TV than me, which as any of my friends will attest, is fairly likely. So many great episodes to choose from. The "super serious" one where Jessie gets all hopped up on caffeine pills and busts out the "I'm so excited, I'm so scared!" soliloquy. The time the whole gang camps overnight in a mall to win U2 tickets. I-Owe-A Zack ten bucks. There's no hope with dope. The oil spill that occurred in Malibu on the Bayside High grounds. In Malibu. An oil spill... in Malibu. [shaking head]
I could go on.... but despite the show's ability to bring up the hot issue of the day in a fashion as subtle as a sledgehammer squashing a fly, this is a show most of us can still recite verbatim. And it remains truly awesome.
sucks: Saved by the Bell (the new class)
Holy shit! Trainwreck alert! Look at these losers... NBC should have just saved themselves the money and ran this billboard on the side of a milk carton so you could also plot the actors' future career paths. It's a safe assumption that any girl in this particular ad has most likely dabbled in the witches' brew that is Skinemax After Dark and I'm pretty sure that dude on the right washed my car the last time I was down in the Valley. And the nouveau-Screech... wow. I mean, if you can't hack it as the next Screech, it's time to pack it in. Something tells me his resume probably features prodigious usage of the word "fluffer."
Not even Belding could salvage this disaster, which should aptly be renamed Saved by the Bell: Hindenberg. I can't believe this is from a DVD cover - who would buy this? (Editor's Note: I looked for it on Amazon, shamefully) To make it worse, they kept making additional "The New Classes," assuming that they just hadn't found the right mix of actors. This delay in cancellation is widely assumed to be responsible for the recession of the early Nineties, the ongoing violence in Somalia throughout the decade, and the Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco scandal.
awesome/sucks: Saved by the Bell (The College Years), Saved by the Bell (Middle School)
The College Years have always been something I vacillated on. Granted, you get heaping doses of Zack, Slater, Screech, and later on, Kelly. And there is the omnipresent ham-fisted acting of Bob Golic, who the viewer is forced to believe has had such a fall from grace from a budding NFL career that he is now effectively managing a dorm. Again, I can accept that. But the new characters are garbage. The blonde chick who is less interesting than Gretchen Mol in Rounders? Check. A redheaded gal who manages to channel her inner Kathy Griffin and Fran Drescher? Check. Zack Morris, trotting out freeflowing blond mane that immediately created Keanu Reeves comparisons? Again, check. This show had its moments, but I constantly found myself trying to figure out how all those friends could have somehow managed to get into the same school. Well - I guess if you're like Zack and you get a 1502 on your SATs, you call the shots.
The middle school years fall back into that same trainwreck category, with some exceptions. Mikey may have been the worst second banana actor in history, which is saying something given the paucity of believable programming on Saturday mornings at the time. I would say something about the show lacking hot chicks, but they were all supposed to be in junior high at the time and I don't feel like making another deposition. Zack and Screech were decent, and Milo was cool. Good to see Belding getting his feet wet as well. Miss Bliss was irritating, but British, so expected. And the whole thing was set in Indianapolis. Yikes. The only saving grace giving this shitshow a respite from the "sucks" category was the episode where Zack tries to join the Rigmas and the one where that Debbie Gibson wannabe Stevie sings at their school. In the latter, Stevie sings with a microphone that doubles as a nightstick. Worth mentioning.
Oh, and let us never speak of the infamous second senior year of high school. Torrie never happened, you hear me! Never!
awesome/sucks vid of the day:
This one's for you, JDB. This one, too. Good thing you told me you like dudes in tight pants and ridiculous close-up camera angles. It's the best of both worlds!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Awesome/Sucks video of the day
This gem from Firehouse says it all, and can be played in lieu of actual conversation with a significant other.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
awesome/sucks: sparks
Riddle me this.
Can you remember your New Year's resolution? You should. After all, chances are you made it right around 39 days ago, which is less than the length of Lent (I could kill a man for a cookie right now), though we're also empathetic to the fact that you very likely made it whilst in the middle of a [Scene Missing] blackout (so much for that resolution not to black out anymore!) and washed it away with other memories of New Year's Eve, like running the numbers on the $130 all-you-can drink party you're attending and realizing that unless your last name is Bonham or Churchill, you probably got bilked out of some serious coin.
I too had forgotten my own New Year's ressy -- yep, I've been to Manhattan before -- until I woke up the morning after a Super Diamond show and couldn't escape an odd feeling:
Hm, this is strange. My heart appears to be beating at a relatively normal rate. I just ate a cookie (pre-Lent, curses!) and it doesn't feel like its chewed remains escaped through a gaping hole in my stomach. Oh, and my teeth aren't, well, orange.
Yep, in my own version of Manning-to-Tyree, I had managed not to take a single sip of the devil's elixir throughout the entire evening, thereby reducing fifteen-billiondy-fold the chances of (i) a face plant on the icy sidewalk, (ii) annoying urges to belt out Whitney Houston lyrics or (iii) internal bleeding.
Yeah, I wanna Sparks with somebody...
Given the propensities of the posters to this blog, I am shocked (shocked!) to see that nobody has penned a tome about the battery acid canned by Beelzebub Industries, Inc. Sparks, I hardly knew ye (would give me hot flashes).
awesome: a cold, full can of sparks
When most people are either (i) so hungover that they don't have the energy to make it out another night or (ii) completely exhausted from drinking Miami Vices all afternoon on a beached ship turned watering hole (see below), you know what they usually do? They go home. And sleep.
Time to catch some shut-eye back in Lincoln Park, brah.
But your average Sparks enthusiast (read: fiend)? Eff it, man, chuck me some battery acid and we'll Go. From. There. Brah!
Ah, sweet, cold can of Sparks. Why do you have to be so far away from me?
sucks: a warm, emty can of sparks
The only two scenarios where you have a warm, empty can of Sparks are (i) after finishing a can of Sparks or (ii) after waking up in the morning to discover you drank a bunch of Sparks the night before.
FIN
awesome/sucks: sparks plus
Ah, yes. For the Sparks enthusiast (read: fiend) who thinks that 6% alcohol and a wheelbarrow full of caffeine and guarana is for pussies, man, it's Sparks Plus, with 7% alcohol and a bigger wheelbarrow! It's like a regular smoker of Marlboro Reds storming into 7-11 demanding some cigs with more tar, thank you very much. Oddly enough, Sparks Plus seems to taste like it has less sugar than the traditional orange label, which makes it borderline disgusting, if not for the fact that once you have reached the point where a can of orange label isn't much different than a Diet Coke, you just need that extra kick, man. You might say that the gateway of alc/energy destruction goes a bit like this:
Coke Classic --> Pixy Stix --> Jolt Cola --> Red Bull --> Red Bull Vodka --> Sparks Orange --> Sparks Plus --> Never Sleeping Again
awesome/sucks: vid of the day
Maybe it's just me, but if you're going to name your band after an entire continent, you better be able to bring it. This video is effectively a ringing indictment on the entire 80s and may or may not be the first time a music video director thought "let's put a bunch of TVs next to one another!" Total production value could not have been over $50.
Friday, February 8, 2008
awesome/sucks: back in tha day
Some days you just feel nostalgic. Totally normal. Whether you saw that episode of "Saved by the Bell" where Zack's in middle school and tries to join the Rigmas before you went to work today, or a particularly gnarred-out Poison riff got stuck in your head on the bus, we're constantly surrounded by memories. Today, I felt I'd sift through the drawers and focus on some of the most ridiculous.
awesome: Book-It!
Dude. I loved this when I was a kid. Loved it. You remember it. The program's aims were to get kids to read, whereupon some exalted genius decided to reward particularly impressive levels of literacy with Pizza Hut personal pans. If I could meet the man (or woman) who came up with this particularly brilliant method of crossover marketing, by God, I'd shake his or her hand. Nothing beat the feeling of making my mom load up the Subaru just because I had a coupon. Nobody could take away that greasy, ill-prepared pepperoni goodness away from my grubby little fingers... I read The Mouse and the Motorcycle, motherfucker! It's just crazy that programs like this, originally designed to make children better themselves, probably had a much larger effect on the tidal wave of obesity that is currently lapping at the shores of America. Whoops! Anyways, I credit this program for my childhood love of reading, which culminated in me setting the Thousand Oaks Library record for books read during the summer reading program for my age group in the late 80's or early 90's (Editor's Note: was also not hooking up with girls at this time, either).
sucks: slap-bracelets
Let me first state unequivocally that I never owned one of these. They were for chicks. I just thought I would point out one of the toys I fondly remember for being a rampant killing machine. Even though I'm sure the number of documented wrist cuts with these items were infinitesimally small, much like with Jack-in-the-Box's E-Coli outbreak in the early 90's, I'll always have that association. These toys managed to not only suck, but were like a magnet for useful veins and arteries. I suppose, at the very least, they created such a caustic situation that someone felt compelled to make this drawing. In fact, you could probably say that the hand these bracelets had in cutting probably paved the way for the modern Emo movement. Thanks a lot, you bastards.
awesome/sucks: pogs
Hell yeah, I love pogs. Well kinda. Fact of the matter is I wasn't very good at them. The cool thing about pogs was you could collect them, there were a bunch of cool designs on them, and if your parents were rich, you had an unending pool of slammers from which to choose. I remember playing these out on the schoolyard and the competitive adrenaline rush that would come from vanquishing an opponent and hauling in your spoils. In many ways, you could probably see with a high degree of accuracy that those experiences would help pave the way for an unhealthy gambling problem which would lead to degenerate activities like betting on this weekend's NFL Pro Bowl. Don't judge me!
I will say that pogs also sucked from a couple angles. First of all, this was a game that taught kids at an early age that life's unfair and sometimes you just lose all your shit. Like training wheels for Lotto scratchers. Nothing was worse than getting your ass handed to you in a crazy-ass game of pogs and then having to sulk into your local baseball card shop to re-up. Pathetic. Also, when you think of it... pogs were fuckin' cheap! So cheap! Where did those bastards get off charging so much for those G.D. things! Seriously, the profit margins on those things had to have been like 23423%. If anything, I'm just mad my 8-year old brain wasn't able to put together a viable product and/or marketing scheme.
awesome vid of the day:
Thanks to Erio for passing this along. Note to all that, although not graphic, the content here is DEFINITELY not safe for work. Unless you work at a gay bathhouse. If so, carry on!
awesome vid of the day (2):
Happy Birthday, Rick.
awesome: Book-It!
Dude. I loved this when I was a kid. Loved it. You remember it. The program's aims were to get kids to read, whereupon some exalted genius decided to reward particularly impressive levels of literacy with Pizza Hut personal pans. If I could meet the man (or woman) who came up with this particularly brilliant method of crossover marketing, by God, I'd shake his or her hand. Nothing beat the feeling of making my mom load up the Subaru just because I had a coupon. Nobody could take away that greasy, ill-prepared pepperoni goodness away from my grubby little fingers... I read The Mouse and the Motorcycle, motherfucker! It's just crazy that programs like this, originally designed to make children better themselves, probably had a much larger effect on the tidal wave of obesity that is currently lapping at the shores of America. Whoops! Anyways, I credit this program for my childhood love of reading, which culminated in me setting the Thousand Oaks Library record for books read during the summer reading program for my age group in the late 80's or early 90's (Editor's Note: was also not hooking up with girls at this time, either).
sucks: slap-bracelets
Let me first state unequivocally that I never owned one of these. They were for chicks. I just thought I would point out one of the toys I fondly remember for being a rampant killing machine. Even though I'm sure the number of documented wrist cuts with these items were infinitesimally small, much like with Jack-in-the-Box's E-Coli outbreak in the early 90's, I'll always have that association. These toys managed to not only suck, but were like a magnet for useful veins and arteries. I suppose, at the very least, they created such a caustic situation that someone felt compelled to make this drawing. In fact, you could probably say that the hand these bracelets had in cutting probably paved the way for the modern Emo movement. Thanks a lot, you bastards.
awesome/sucks: pogs
Hell yeah, I love pogs. Well kinda. Fact of the matter is I wasn't very good at them. The cool thing about pogs was you could collect them, there were a bunch of cool designs on them, and if your parents were rich, you had an unending pool of slammers from which to choose. I remember playing these out on the schoolyard and the competitive adrenaline rush that would come from vanquishing an opponent and hauling in your spoils. In many ways, you could probably see with a high degree of accuracy that those experiences would help pave the way for an unhealthy gambling problem which would lead to degenerate activities like betting on this weekend's NFL Pro Bowl. Don't judge me!
I will say that pogs also sucked from a couple angles. First of all, this was a game that taught kids at an early age that life's unfair and sometimes you just lose all your shit. Like training wheels for Lotto scratchers. Nothing was worse than getting your ass handed to you in a crazy-ass game of pogs and then having to sulk into your local baseball card shop to re-up. Pathetic. Also, when you think of it... pogs were fuckin' cheap! So cheap! Where did those bastards get off charging so much for those G.D. things! Seriously, the profit margins on those things had to have been like 23423%. If anything, I'm just mad my 8-year old brain wasn't able to put together a viable product and/or marketing scheme.
awesome vid of the day:
Thanks to Erio for passing this along. Note to all that, although not graphic, the content here is DEFINITELY not safe for work. Unless you work at a gay bathhouse. If so, carry on!
awesome vid of the day (2):
Happy Birthday, Rick.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Nick Cage's Opus
We move to the next gem of Nick Cage's post oscar career, the Bruckheimer classic:
Con Air - 1997
Awesome/Sucks Rating: 10/10
7 word summary: Cage stops Cyrus the Virus, saves day.
Best Cage Line: "Put the bunny back in the box."
Bonus line: "What do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna save the fuckin' day! " - Cameron Poe
Most ridiculous moment: Marty McSorley playing the pilot of the plane.
Key Awesome/Sucks Moment: Cage storms the cockpit, getting shot in the process, taking out all sort of cons.
Better Use of Key Location: Las Vegas Strip - National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation - The third incarnation of Russ and Audrey Griswold cruising the strip.
Best Plot Hole/Mistake: Cyrus the Virus could create a bomb in prison? Not bloody likely.
Nitpick: Poe gets 7 years for involuntary manslaughter based on the advice of the worst attorney ever, foregoing all self-defense claims etc. Seems fishy that the judge in Alabama would give a decorated Army ranger such a stiff sentence. However, they never establish why Poe does his time in a federal penitentiary. We know he was doing federal time because he was on a flight to populate the new Supermax prison in Alabama, and the flight was run by the US Marshals Service, a federal agency. (Please set aside there is only one Supermax prison in the federal system, the one in Florence, Colorado). The only way that it was federal time was if the crime occurred on federal property, and it is unlikely that the bar, where his wife works, is federal property. Plus, he served his entire sentence, even though he was a model prisoner.
Con Air - 1997
Awesome/Sucks Rating: 10/10
7 word summary: Cage stops Cyrus the Virus, saves day.
Best Cage Line: "Put the bunny back in the box."
Bonus line: "What do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna save the fuckin' day! " - Cameron Poe
Most ridiculous moment: Marty McSorley playing the pilot of the plane.
Key Awesome/Sucks Moment: Cage storms the cockpit, getting shot in the process, taking out all sort of cons.
Better Use of Key Location: Las Vegas Strip - National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation - The third incarnation of Russ and Audrey Griswold cruising the strip.
Best Plot Hole/Mistake: Cyrus the Virus could create a bomb in prison? Not bloody likely.
Nitpick: Poe gets 7 years for involuntary manslaughter based on the advice of the worst attorney ever, foregoing all self-defense claims etc. Seems fishy that the judge in Alabama would give a decorated Army ranger such a stiff sentence. However, they never establish why Poe does his time in a federal penitentiary. We know he was doing federal time because he was on a flight to populate the new Supermax prison in Alabama, and the flight was run by the US Marshals Service, a federal agency. (Please set aside there is only one Supermax prison in the federal system, the one in Florence, Colorado). The only way that it was federal time was if the crime occurred on federal property, and it is unlikely that the bar, where his wife works, is federal property. Plus, he served his entire sentence, even though he was a model prisoner.
Monday, February 4, 2008
awesome/sucks: Nickelback's "Rock Star"
Sucks: Nickelback
Sucks: The fact that I am unable to change the station when a Nickelback song comes on.
Awesome: Ladyfire's tribute to Nickelback's "Rock Star"
Awesome: Quesadillas on the house.
Awesome (honorable mention): ZZTop and The Great One appearing in the more official music video for the same song
Awesome/sucks: You just listened to Rock Star, twice.
Sucks: The fact that I am unable to change the station when a Nickelback song comes on.
Awesome: Ladyfire's tribute to Nickelback's "Rock Star"
Awesome: Quesadillas on the house.
Awesome (honorable mention): ZZTop and The Great One appearing in the more official music video for the same song
Awesome/sucks: You just listened to Rock Star, twice.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
awesome/sucks: point a to point b
Given that I have been charging an inordinate amount of money towards means of transportation to clients recently, I think this is as good a time as any to get into the clearly awesome and embarrassingly sucky varieties of transit out there. Let’s be honest, there’s a lot of the latter.
awesome: walking
I was going to go with JetBlue, but I’ve actually never flown with them. Pathetic, I know. Instead, I am left with the U.S. Airways, America Wests, and ATA’s of the world. Not exactly a murderer’s row.
Regarding my selection – I know what you’re thinking… walking’s for suckers. In fact, I have said those words on many occasions. Point taken. But given that I walk to and from work every day, I feel compelled to point out the benefits of walking from time to time. For instance, here are some fun facts about walking that may provide you with a slightly different perspective. Fun Fact #1: Did you know that walking for just 30 minutes a day can burn up to 300 calories a day? Fun Fact #2: Did you know that a consistent walking regimen can improve your metabolic rate by up to 15%? Fun Fact #3: Did you realize that by cleverly leveraging Google and making stuff up, you can provide an inordinate number of fun facts with dubious accuracy? Fun Fact #4: Did you know that you could count that on your billable hours? True story!
sucks: the train, the bus (tie)
Due to the potential for litigation, I will refrain from referencing specific train and bus transit providers. But suffice it to say, one is a train service that always derails and the other is a bus service that is an exhibit for the tragedy of the human condition. There are those old-timers who say that taking the train is a great way to see America and that it really gives you some perspective. Fuck that. I am a young man who is assaulted by thousands of visual images a day. I’m so desensitized that my first reaction to “Two Girls, One Cup” was not one of horror, but more of logistical query. These trips take too long and they are unfailingly uncomfortable, so you might as well fly. I will say though they have always been mighty kind to my hobo-brethren.
The bus, however, is the worst. I once bought a ticket to get on a red-eye bus from Jacksonville to Miami that left at 8pm and arrived at 4am at the airport. I saw things that can not be unseen. To be honest, I am still somewhat surprised to this day that I was not utilized in any sort of sketch-artist mockup that day. I saw a man wipe his nose with his sleeve, then his sleeve with his ass. That’s right – not wiping his ass with his sleeve, but the other way around. Truly, the degenerate circle of life. I think, in truth, The Onion said it best.
awesome/sucks: cabbies
Hey, Cabbie!
I have a love-hate affair with all cabbies. As the venerable sage JDB once uttered, “Rule #1: Never trust a cabbie.” Frankly, I think that should be rules two through ten as well. I’m sure one of the current rules is that their hygiene must be beyond bad, settling somewhere near “patently offensive.” Another immutable law with cabbies is that, if from Europe, their last names must contain at least twelve consecutive consonants. Umlats and accent marks are also appreciated.
As smelly and weird as cabbies can be, they usually are also pretty good at dealing with drunks, which is an invaluable skill to me. During one cab ride with JDB in Austin, he was so drunk that he threw up all over the backseat, so the cabbie yelled at us. Which sucked. But then I slipped him a twenty and he was cool. Which was awesome. The classic yin-yang that is the cabbie.
I implore everyone to add a great cab story they’ve encountered, because surely each experience is a unique, nuanced experience in the dynamic mosaic of the cabbie-fare relationship.
Godspeed cabbies.
awesome/sucks vid of the day:
This classic Will Smith vehicle. As a rapper sir, you are not legend.
awesome: walking
I was going to go with JetBlue, but I’ve actually never flown with them. Pathetic, I know. Instead, I am left with the U.S. Airways, America Wests, and ATA’s of the world. Not exactly a murderer’s row.
Regarding my selection – I know what you’re thinking… walking’s for suckers. In fact, I have said those words on many occasions. Point taken. But given that I walk to and from work every day, I feel compelled to point out the benefits of walking from time to time. For instance, here are some fun facts about walking that may provide you with a slightly different perspective. Fun Fact #1: Did you know that walking for just 30 minutes a day can burn up to 300 calories a day? Fun Fact #2: Did you know that a consistent walking regimen can improve your metabolic rate by up to 15%? Fun Fact #3: Did you realize that by cleverly leveraging Google and making stuff up, you can provide an inordinate number of fun facts with dubious accuracy? Fun Fact #4: Did you know that you could count that on your billable hours? True story!
sucks: the train, the bus (tie)
Due to the potential for litigation, I will refrain from referencing specific train and bus transit providers. But suffice it to say, one is a train service that always derails and the other is a bus service that is an exhibit for the tragedy of the human condition. There are those old-timers who say that taking the train is a great way to see America and that it really gives you some perspective. Fuck that. I am a young man who is assaulted by thousands of visual images a day. I’m so desensitized that my first reaction to “Two Girls, One Cup” was not one of horror, but more of logistical query. These trips take too long and they are unfailingly uncomfortable, so you might as well fly. I will say though they have always been mighty kind to my hobo-brethren.
The bus, however, is the worst. I once bought a ticket to get on a red-eye bus from Jacksonville to Miami that left at 8pm and arrived at 4am at the airport. I saw things that can not be unseen. To be honest, I am still somewhat surprised to this day that I was not utilized in any sort of sketch-artist mockup that day. I saw a man wipe his nose with his sleeve, then his sleeve with his ass. That’s right – not wiping his ass with his sleeve, but the other way around. Truly, the degenerate circle of life. I think, in truth, The Onion said it best.
awesome/sucks: cabbies
Hey, Cabbie!
I have a love-hate affair with all cabbies. As the venerable sage JDB once uttered, “Rule #1: Never trust a cabbie.” Frankly, I think that should be rules two through ten as well. I’m sure one of the current rules is that their hygiene must be beyond bad, settling somewhere near “patently offensive.” Another immutable law with cabbies is that, if from Europe, their last names must contain at least twelve consecutive consonants. Umlats and accent marks are also appreciated.
As smelly and weird as cabbies can be, they usually are also pretty good at dealing with drunks, which is an invaluable skill to me. During one cab ride with JDB in Austin, he was so drunk that he threw up all over the backseat, so the cabbie yelled at us. Which sucked. But then I slipped him a twenty and he was cool. Which was awesome. The classic yin-yang that is the cabbie.
I implore everyone to add a great cab story they’ve encountered, because surely each experience is a unique, nuanced experience in the dynamic mosaic of the cabbie-fare relationship.
Godspeed cabbies.
awesome/sucks vid of the day:
This classic Will Smith vehicle. As a rapper sir, you are not legend.
The origin of the Rickroll
If there is anything that is both awesome and sucks, it is a rickroll. It is awesome to pull off, sucks when they dont fall for it. Sucks when you link to something that truly sparked your curiosity only to have Rick shimmy shuffle your face off. But inevitably awesome when Rick's smiling face peers from that youtube window into your eyes. For those who don't know, it all started with a little something called a Duck Roll. Have a looksy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KT--CsBh5TM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
awesome/sucks: vid of the day
This video may or may not be the best thing Finland has exported since Nokia. Time will tell.
Monday, January 28, 2008
The Abyss of Nick Cage Post-Oscar Part I: The Story of a Misspent Sunday
The weekend before the Superbowl is by far the worst of the year. No football means scanning the channels for entertainment with low expectations. This weekend, it seemed USA, TNT and TBS presented an answer in the form of the filmography of an actor as much awesome as sucky. That actor is Academy Award Winner Nicolas Cage. I spent the better part of the day delighting in National Treasure, an opus of the awesome/sucks genre, and Godfather Part III, which has the Nick Cage connection via Sophia Coppola, daughter to Francis Ford and cousin to . . . Nicolas Cage.
No one faults an Academy Award winner for cashing in post-Oscar. It is a rite of passage to pick up that first $10 million-per-movie paycheck the second you fold up that acceptance speech. But Nick Cage took it to a whole new level. I present to you the filmography of Nicolas Cage, post Oscar to 2005: a ten year period of films that include some of the most awesomely sucky movies of all time. The first movie in this multi-part series: The Rock.
The Rock - 1996
Awesome/Sucks Rating: 8/10
7 word summary: Cage stops VX rockets, Cage saves day.
Best Cage Line: "How in the name of Zeus' BUTTHOLE did you get out of your cell!"- Stanley Goodspeed to John Mason after being captured.
Bonus line: "What kinda FUCKED UP tour is this?" - Random Hostage #6.
Most ridiculous moment: Newly confident Cage defeats a heavily armed ex-marine with a quip from an Elton John song.
Key Awesome/Sucks Moment: Slow motion zoom in on Cage with the green flares as the F-15s zoom across Alcatraz destroying it with thermite plasma.
Better Use of Key Location: So I Married an Axe Murderer - Scene starring Phil Hartman, where he discusses Machine Gun Kelly's prison-friend.
Best Plot Hole/Mistake: At one point the FBI guy played by classic "That Guy" William Forsythe says the rocket is headed toward a football game in Oakland, but they show Candlestick Park where the Niners play. Unforgiveable!
Nitpick: One of the marines insults Mason, played by Sean Connery, because he's English, and the marine's father was Irish. However, earlier in the movie the guy that played the introspective guy in High Fidelity firmly established that Mason was born in Scotland (specifically Glasgow), and Mason was thus a Scot, not English. The Scots suffered at the hands of the English as well. The marine could have been referring to the Scots that settled Northern Ireland that later became the Protestant ascendency in the six county area. This of course would lead to decades of sectarian strife, culminating with the notorious "Troubles" of the 1960s-80s, but Bruckheimer doesn't develop the reference and we are left to guess.
Next week: Con Air
No one faults an Academy Award winner for cashing in post-Oscar. It is a rite of passage to pick up that first $10 million-per-movie paycheck the second you fold up that acceptance speech. But Nick Cage took it to a whole new level. I present to you the filmography of Nicolas Cage, post Oscar to 2005: a ten year period of films that include some of the most awesomely sucky movies of all time. The first movie in this multi-part series: The Rock.
The Rock - 1996
Awesome/Sucks Rating: 8/10
7 word summary: Cage stops VX rockets, Cage saves day.
Best Cage Line: "How in the name of Zeus' BUTTHOLE did you get out of your cell!"- Stanley Goodspeed to John Mason after being captured.
Bonus line: "What kinda FUCKED UP tour is this?" - Random Hostage #6.
Most ridiculous moment: Newly confident Cage defeats a heavily armed ex-marine with a quip from an Elton John song.
Key Awesome/Sucks Moment: Slow motion zoom in on Cage with the green flares as the F-15s zoom across Alcatraz destroying it with thermite plasma.
Better Use of Key Location: So I Married an Axe Murderer - Scene starring Phil Hartman, where he discusses Machine Gun Kelly's prison-friend.
Best Plot Hole/Mistake: At one point the FBI guy played by classic "That Guy" William Forsythe says the rocket is headed toward a football game in Oakland, but they show Candlestick Park where the Niners play. Unforgiveable!
Nitpick: One of the marines insults Mason, played by Sean Connery, because he's English, and the marine's father was Irish. However, earlier in the movie the guy that played the introspective guy in High Fidelity firmly established that Mason was born in Scotland (specifically Glasgow), and Mason was thus a Scot, not English. The Scots suffered at the hands of the English as well. The marine could have been referring to the Scots that settled Northern Ireland that later became the Protestant ascendency in the six county area. This of course would lead to decades of sectarian strife, culminating with the notorious "Troubles" of the 1960s-80s, but Bruckheimer doesn't develop the reference and we are left to guess.
Next week: Con Air
awesome/sucks: on the move
Given that I have been whisked away to Pittsburgh for yet another series of meetings, I figured today's theme could be altered to address my current state of mind.
awesome: traveling (for fun)
Who doesn't love traveling? There's nothing like whisking away to the islands for a week or two, dropping ridiculous amounts of cash on drinks which prominently feature Triplesec, Midori, and Curacao, and figuring out ways to get every piece of your luggage coated with at least 3 or 4 layers of sand. Unless you are a starting quarterback for one of the nation's most visible football teams and you happen to be dating a woman whose chief offense in life is not having thought tuna was actually chicken but that her claim to fame was being married to Nick Lachey. Yikes. In that case, peace and quiet is probably not your thing. But taking some time off and going to places like Cancun always reminds me of those fateful college years that were spent figuring out fresh, innovative ways in which to drink ever more impressive arrays of alcohol. Sigh.
sucks: traveling (in basketball)
With all the star power that exists in the NBA today - Kobe, Lebron, Mark Madsen - ratings for last year's finals between Cleveland and San Antonio were the lowest in some time (Editor's Note: I would provide you with figures like "how low" and "in what time" if I gave any regard to factual accuracy. As usual, I rely mostly on hearsay, asides, and the fifth-person. Also, please note the lack of any photography sourcing thus far. That was inevitable.). While defensive games and low-scoring is certainly part of the problem, many old-schoolers point to the lack of fundamentals in things like passing and dribbling as to reasons why the game does not resonate with more people in the U.S. As far as traveling goes, look at the above move that Allen Iverson is about to do; his body has managed to create some vortex or wormhole to allow him to function on four dimensions, or at least that must be his premise when you watch him perform a move that in no way could conform to the laws of physics were the game called to the letter of the law. However, I will say that without the ability to blatantly flout the rules of the game, you would not get videos like this. THA PROFESSSAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!
awesome/sucks: traveling (for work)
This goes out to all the road warriors...
I actually suppose this is more applicable...
What a depressing sight. Where is this guy traveling to anyway? Time for that mid-level sales meeting on the surface of the sun! But to be frank, we can all relate (or many of us can, anyways). There's nothing like work travel. For instance, if I said to you the following cities - Indianapolis (Indiana), Dayton (Ohio), Pittsburgh (Pennsylvania), Richmond (Indiana), Charlotte (North Carolina) - what would you say? "Ummm, the initial dates for Def Leppard's '9 Arms, One Heart' Tour?" You'd be wrong, friend. They are actually cities I've spent an inordinate amount of time in over the past year. Were they fun? Hell no. Usually. I was there working for chrissakes. But the beauty of flying to one of these jewels in the Rust Belt is you can always count on some solid second-tier airport free wi-fi. And you best believe that be makin' a difference. While occasionally (i.e. every time) I have to endure airport hell or rent cars in the middle of rain storms, at least I'm racking up mileage points on an airline I hate with an innate passion!
awesome/sucks: media of the day
Thanks to Baltruzak for sending this to me. It's isolated vocals of David Lee Roth singing "Runnin' With the Devil." It's the whistles that get me. I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face. At work. Oops.
awesome: traveling (for fun)
Who doesn't love traveling? There's nothing like whisking away to the islands for a week or two, dropping ridiculous amounts of cash on drinks which prominently feature Triplesec, Midori, and Curacao, and figuring out ways to get every piece of your luggage coated with at least 3 or 4 layers of sand. Unless you are a starting quarterback for one of the nation's most visible football teams and you happen to be dating a woman whose chief offense in life is not having thought tuna was actually chicken but that her claim to fame was being married to Nick Lachey. Yikes. In that case, peace and quiet is probably not your thing. But taking some time off and going to places like Cancun always reminds me of those fateful college years that were spent figuring out fresh, innovative ways in which to drink ever more impressive arrays of alcohol. Sigh.
sucks: traveling (in basketball)
With all the star power that exists in the NBA today - Kobe, Lebron, Mark Madsen - ratings for last year's finals between Cleveland and San Antonio were the lowest in some time (Editor's Note: I would provide you with figures like "how low" and "in what time" if I gave any regard to factual accuracy. As usual, I rely mostly on hearsay, asides, and the fifth-person. Also, please note the lack of any photography sourcing thus far. That was inevitable.). While defensive games and low-scoring is certainly part of the problem, many old-schoolers point to the lack of fundamentals in things like passing and dribbling as to reasons why the game does not resonate with more people in the U.S. As far as traveling goes, look at the above move that Allen Iverson is about to do; his body has managed to create some vortex or wormhole to allow him to function on four dimensions, or at least that must be his premise when you watch him perform a move that in no way could conform to the laws of physics were the game called to the letter of the law. However, I will say that without the ability to blatantly flout the rules of the game, you would not get videos like this. THA PROFESSSAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!
awesome/sucks: traveling (for work)
This goes out to all the road warriors...
I actually suppose this is more applicable...
What a depressing sight. Where is this guy traveling to anyway? Time for that mid-level sales meeting on the surface of the sun! But to be frank, we can all relate (or many of us can, anyways). There's nothing like work travel. For instance, if I said to you the following cities - Indianapolis (Indiana), Dayton (Ohio), Pittsburgh (Pennsylvania), Richmond (Indiana), Charlotte (North Carolina) - what would you say? "Ummm, the initial dates for Def Leppard's '9 Arms, One Heart' Tour?" You'd be wrong, friend. They are actually cities I've spent an inordinate amount of time in over the past year. Were they fun? Hell no. Usually. I was there working for chrissakes. But the beauty of flying to one of these jewels in the Rust Belt is you can always count on some solid second-tier airport free wi-fi. And you best believe that be makin' a difference. While occasionally (i.e. every time) I have to endure airport hell or rent cars in the middle of rain storms, at least I'm racking up mileage points on an airline I hate with an innate passion!
awesome/sucks: media of the day
Thanks to Baltruzak for sending this to me. It's isolated vocals of David Lee Roth singing "Runnin' With the Devil." It's the whistles that get me. I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face. At work. Oops.
awesome/sucks: expert karate tutorial
I imagine it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to the ancient art of karate to learn how to break a massive pile of bricks with your fist. I, for one, would never even want to try it for fear of, I don't know, causing massive bodily injury to myself. Well, in this clip, we get an expert tutorial on brick breaking from a karate master that can only be described as awesome (mostly because he sucks).
Saturday, January 26, 2008
awesome: vid of the day
I should point out that the whole joke of this video is the subtitles (someone actually said 'Dude, I don't speak German). Some context in football, or at the very least US Weekly, is helpful as well.
Friday, January 25, 2008
awesome/sucks: vid of the day
Thank you, Steve Perry. And to you other guys. Never seen "air keyboard" done before. This video needs no (or defies) explanation.
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