awesome/sucks: saved by the bell

That's right. It's Saved by the Bell time. Why not blog endlessly regarding a subject where everyone will have at least some context. In many ways, SBTB was a landmark show, a thread indisputably woven into the fabric of our childhoods. While this may seem like a ridiculous overstatement for a show that foisted Zack Attack upon a nation of unsuspecting youths and allowed Screech to pathetically grasp to fleeting stardom well past his agreed-upon shelf life, screw it. It's my blog. If you don't like it, mea culpa.

awesome: Saved by the Bell (regular)















Ahh..... the memories. By "regular", I should point out that I am referring to the high school years in Malibu, California, I have a theory that if you haven't seen each episode of the show 7 or 8 times you either A) are a Communist; B) traveled extensively in Eastern Europe throughout the 1990s, or; C) watch far less TV than me, which as any of my friends will attest, is fairly likely. So many great episodes to choose from. The "super serious" one where Jessie gets all hopped up on caffeine pills and busts out the "I'm so excited, I'm so scared!" soliloquy. The time the whole gang camps overnight in a mall to win U2 tickets. I-Owe-A Zack ten bucks. There's no hope with dope. The oil spill that occurred in Malibu on the Bayside High grounds. In Malibu. An oil spill... in Malibu. [shaking head]

I could go on.... but despite the show's ability to bring up the hot issue of the day in a fashion as subtle as a sledgehammer squashing a fly, this is a show most of us can still recite verbatim. And it remains truly awesome.

sucks: Saved by the Bell (the new class)















Holy shit! Trainwreck alert! Look at these losers... NBC should have just saved themselves the money and ran this billboard on the side of a milk carton so you could also plot the actors' future career paths. It's a safe assumption that any girl in this particular ad has most likely dabbled in the witches' brew that is Skinemax After Dark and I'm pretty sure that dude on the right washed my car the last time I was down in the Valley. And the nouveau-Screech... wow. I mean, if you can't hack it as the next Screech, it's time to pack it in. Something tells me his resume probably features prodigious usage of the word "fluffer."

Not even Belding could salvage this disaster, which should aptly be renamed Saved by the Bell: Hindenberg. I can't believe this is from a DVD cover - who would buy this? (Editor's Note: I looked for it on Amazon, shamefully) To make it worse, they kept making additional "The New Classes," assuming that they just hadn't found the right mix of actors. This delay in cancellation is widely assumed to be responsible for the recession of the early Nineties, the ongoing violence in Somalia throughout the decade, and the Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco scandal.

awesome/sucks: Saved by the Bell (The College Years), Saved by the Bell (Middle School)

















The College Years have always been something I vacillated on. Granted, you get heaping doses of Zack, Slater, Screech, and later on, Kelly. And there is the omnipresent ham-fisted acting of Bob Golic, who the viewer is forced to believe has had such a fall from grace from a budding NFL career that he is now effectively managing a dorm. Again, I can accept that. But the new characters are garbage. The blonde chick who is less interesting than Gretchen Mol in Rounders? Check. A redheaded gal who manages to channel her inner Kathy Griffin and Fran Drescher? Check. Zack Morris, trotting out freeflowing blond mane that immediately created Keanu Reeves comparisons? Again, check. This show had its moments, but I constantly found myself trying to figure out how all those friends could have somehow managed to get into the same school. Well - I guess if you're like Zack and you get a 1502 on your SATs, you call the shots.











The middle school years fall back into that same trainwreck category, with some exceptions. Mikey may have been the worst second banana actor in history, which is saying something given the paucity of believable programming on Saturday mornings at the time. I would say something about the show lacking hot chicks, but they were all supposed to be in junior high at the time and I don't feel like making another deposition. Zack and Screech were decent, and Milo was cool. Good to see Belding getting his feet wet as well. Miss Bliss was irritating, but British, so expected. And the whole thing was set in Indianapolis. Yikes. The only saving grace giving this shitshow a respite from the "sucks" category was the episode where Zack tries to join the Rigmas and the one where that Debbie Gibson wannabe Stevie sings at their school. In the latter, Stevie sings with a microphone that doubles as a nightstick. Worth mentioning.

Oh, and let us never speak of the infamous second senior year of high school. Torrie never happened, you hear me! Never!

awesome/sucks vid of the day:

This one's for you, JDB. This one, too. Good thing you told me you like dudes in tight pants and ridiculous close-up camera angles. It's the best of both worlds!