No post today, but as a follow-up to yesterday's post, in which I may now refer to myself as Nostradamus.
Thank you Cal, for answering my prayers. Now on to the inevitable coaching search that will produce a candidate unfit to coach an intramural team...
Can't wait!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
awesome/sucks: march madness
It’s that time of year again. The time when we all pretend to care about college basketball for a month as its presented in such a concentrated, gambling-fueled orgy that its impossible not to get sucked in. Well, except for my UCLA brethren, who actually have things called “tradition” and “expectations” year in and year out. They actually always give a crap. But March Madness is really one of those sporting events that manages to galvanize people from all walks of life and never fails to produce a flooding torrent of emotions. Case in point: Silvestre Aguilar and JDB (not their real names) called me after Chris Webber called his fateful timeout against North Carolina to make fun of me for backing the Wolverines and I shed legitimate tears. I still hate those guys.
Well, that particularly embarrassing revelation aside… let’s kick this pig!
awesome: upsets, gambling, brackets
No bones about it – there are a SLEW of awesome things about March Madness. Who doesn’t love a good upset? Watching Duke’s current batch of WASPs get their asses handed to them by a plucky Devry school? A highlight of a grossly undersized white point guard making an improbable three at the buzzer that will undoubtedly be the highlight of his inevitably mundane life? The triumph of the human spirit? OK, two out of three ain’t bad. Regardless, upsets are the games we always remember from year to year, not the miserable 7-10 seed matchup in the Midwest region that makes you want to end your own life. And hey, its not like Bryce Drew will ever have to pay for a meal in Gary again.
You know what’s great about upsets? They go great with the second awesome thing about March Madness… gambling! As a card-carrying degenerate, there is literally nothing better than waddling over to a sportsbook at 9am on a Thursday, withdrawing a grand of hard-earned (wink) cash, constructing a series of ludicrous parlays that have worse odds than the Spears-Federline children, and spending a solid eleven hours reaffirming the fact that you have a serious, serious gambling problem. Everyone has their own favorite gambling memories of March Madness. I remember hitting a parlay of three underdogs that was particularly amazing at the time, but nothing matches the Duke-UConn Final Four game several years ago. With the game out of reach and Duke down by four, Chris Duhon hit a half-court shot to narrow the gap in an inconsequential manner. I still remember immediately thinking to myself – there are some pissed-off mofos in Vegas right now. Yes, that was my first thought. What can I say.
Finally, March Madness rules for its prodigious usage of brackets. No other sports event is better set-up for office pools, unless you count the Tour de France. Who do you have in your peloton? Nothing beats picking your bracket like a standard dude, meaning tons of upsets, while the chick in accounting with the huge knockers picks straight chalk and pulls out a convincing win. I inevitably always choose one monumentally stupid Final Four team, and it warrants mentioning that once again, I am easily inhabiting the cellar of my pool all by myself. None of these issues affects the awesomeness of these brackets, though. Even if you do pick yours by which teams have the best mascots.
[shaking head]
sucks: whining about bubble teams, the fact that there’s 65 teams in the first place
If there’s anything that sucks about March Madness, it’s the fuss over who gets in and who gets shown the door. Seriously, we’re arguing about which team is going to get a 12 seed, maybe hit a couple of lucky breaks in the first round before being ass-rammed by a legit team some way along the road? Just ridiculous. There are several terrible facets of these fruitless arguments, which never change:
awesome/sucks: watching your team win the NIT
This one hits especially close to home. As you may well know, basketball was officially killed the University of California, Berkeley by former coach Todd Bozeman, who basically handed the keys to the program and undoubtedly several nice vehicles to former player Jason Kidd. Keep in mind, I’m not referring to Mr. Kidd as an alumnus because as far as I can tell, he never graduated from the university. I will say that at the very least, he is the author of one of my favorite quotes ever by an athlete, saying he wanted to come in and change the culture of a losing locker room and transform things “360 degrees.” Went to UC Berkeley, ladies and gentlemen. One of the finest institutions on the planet.
[audible sigh]
But I digress. Cal’s basketball program has thus been woefully inept since the inevitable sanctions assigned to us, as well as our penchant for recruiting players who might as well book their flights to Europe ahead of time to save on the airfare. I would say that Cal’s current coach, Ben Braun, couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag, but given that he is familiar with recruiting paper bags, he’s probably attuned to their tendencies (the one caveat would be Leon Powe, who is one of my all-time favorite Cal athletes ever and is actually a genuinely good human being).
Anyways, the Golden Bears won the NIT in 1999, shortly after I signed my letter of intent to go to Cal (amid very little fanfare). Now, it’s great to win things in general. The NIT, however, is not one of those things. Sure it was great to string together a few wins over a bunch of middling Jesuit schools, but it’s not something to write home about. Ask the Onion. And as great as it was to demonstrate our school’s ability to pass effectively to teammates, score consistently, and play fundamental basketball (minus the three-man weave), nothing can erase the humiliation of looking up the rafters at Haas Pavilion and seeing this banner.
As a frequenter of Pauley Pavilion down at UCLA, that's just pathetic. Now excuse me while I prepare for football season.
awesome/sucks: vid of the day
In honor of the start of baseball season, I give you... the Dodgers.
And though not a vid, I couldn't find anywhere else to link to this. May be my favorite news article of this young year.
Well, that particularly embarrassing revelation aside… let’s kick this pig!
awesome: upsets, gambling, brackets
No bones about it – there are a SLEW of awesome things about March Madness. Who doesn’t love a good upset? Watching Duke’s current batch of WASPs get their asses handed to them by a plucky Devry school? A highlight of a grossly undersized white point guard making an improbable three at the buzzer that will undoubtedly be the highlight of his inevitably mundane life? The triumph of the human spirit? OK, two out of three ain’t bad. Regardless, upsets are the games we always remember from year to year, not the miserable 7-10 seed matchup in the Midwest region that makes you want to end your own life. And hey, its not like Bryce Drew will ever have to pay for a meal in Gary again.
You know what’s great about upsets? They go great with the second awesome thing about March Madness… gambling! As a card-carrying degenerate, there is literally nothing better than waddling over to a sportsbook at 9am on a Thursday, withdrawing a grand of hard-earned (wink) cash, constructing a series of ludicrous parlays that have worse odds than the Spears-Federline children, and spending a solid eleven hours reaffirming the fact that you have a serious, serious gambling problem. Everyone has their own favorite gambling memories of March Madness. I remember hitting a parlay of three underdogs that was particularly amazing at the time, but nothing matches the Duke-UConn Final Four game several years ago. With the game out of reach and Duke down by four, Chris Duhon hit a half-court shot to narrow the gap in an inconsequential manner. I still remember immediately thinking to myself – there are some pissed-off mofos in Vegas right now. Yes, that was my first thought. What can I say.
Finally, March Madness rules for its prodigious usage of brackets. No other sports event is better set-up for office pools, unless you count the Tour de France. Who do you have in your peloton? Nothing beats picking your bracket like a standard dude, meaning tons of upsets, while the chick in accounting with the huge knockers picks straight chalk and pulls out a convincing win. I inevitably always choose one monumentally stupid Final Four team, and it warrants mentioning that once again, I am easily inhabiting the cellar of my pool all by myself. None of these issues affects the awesomeness of these brackets, though. Even if you do pick yours by which teams have the best mascots.
[shaking head]
sucks: whining about bubble teams, the fact that there’s 65 teams in the first place
If there’s anything that sucks about March Madness, it’s the fuss over who gets in and who gets shown the door. Seriously, we’re arguing about which team is going to get a 12 seed, maybe hit a couple of lucky breaks in the first round before being ass-rammed by a legit team some way along the road? Just ridiculous. There are several terrible facets of these fruitless arguments, which never change:
- Acronyms like SOS and RPI are rammed down the gullets of the American sports viewing public like a Peter North video (c’mon, you get the reference. We’re all friends here.)
- People with job titles like “Bracketologist” get major airtime on ESPN and other sports shows, despite no clear expression of tangible skills and limited job prospects should this position cease to exist
- Syracuse is inevitably on the bubble
awesome/sucks: watching your team win the NIT
This one hits especially close to home. As you may well know, basketball was officially killed the University of California, Berkeley by former coach Todd Bozeman, who basically handed the keys to the program and undoubtedly several nice vehicles to former player Jason Kidd. Keep in mind, I’m not referring to Mr. Kidd as an alumnus because as far as I can tell, he never graduated from the university. I will say that at the very least, he is the author of one of my favorite quotes ever by an athlete, saying he wanted to come in and change the culture of a losing locker room and transform things “360 degrees.” Went to UC Berkeley, ladies and gentlemen. One of the finest institutions on the planet.
[audible sigh]
But I digress. Cal’s basketball program has thus been woefully inept since the inevitable sanctions assigned to us, as well as our penchant for recruiting players who might as well book their flights to Europe ahead of time to save on the airfare. I would say that Cal’s current coach, Ben Braun, couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag, but given that he is familiar with recruiting paper bags, he’s probably attuned to their tendencies (the one caveat would be Leon Powe, who is one of my all-time favorite Cal athletes ever and is actually a genuinely good human being).
Anyways, the Golden Bears won the NIT in 1999, shortly after I signed my letter of intent to go to Cal (amid very little fanfare). Now, it’s great to win things in general. The NIT, however, is not one of those things. Sure it was great to string together a few wins over a bunch of middling Jesuit schools, but it’s not something to write home about. Ask the Onion. And as great as it was to demonstrate our school’s ability to pass effectively to teammates, score consistently, and play fundamental basketball (minus the three-man weave), nothing can erase the humiliation of looking up the rafters at Haas Pavilion and seeing this banner.
As a frequenter of Pauley Pavilion down at UCLA, that's just pathetic. Now excuse me while I prepare for football season.
awesome/sucks: vid of the day
In honor of the start of baseball season, I give you... the Dodgers.
And though not a vid, I couldn't find anywhere else to link to this. May be my favorite news article of this young year.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
awesome/sucks: the leading man who is neither a leader nor a man.
During a particularly unfruitful weekend of TV watching, I happened upon Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. Despite every other inclination to do otherwise, I managed to stick it out and watch the entire movie. Whether this was a testament to inertia or an expression of serious deep-seated psychological defects, it happened and there’s no getting around it. At the end of that painfully self-aware experience that ended up ruining an otherwise enjoyable Sunday, I thought to myself, “if I have to suffer through this embarrassment, then at least my readership of three will have to go through these indignities as well.” With that, I give you: Rob Schneider.
awesome: Rob Schneider, in a supplementary role
Whether it’s acting as one of the Gap girls, the role of the “you can do it” guy from The Waterboy, the “three seashells” cop from Demolition Man, or the foreign delivery guy from Big Daddy, Mssr. Schneider has always fared well in a supporting role. Why may you ask? Simply put, it gives him less of a chance to fuck things up. He also receives bonus points for the afore-mentioned performance in Demolition Man, mainly because as any of my high-school friends will tell you, I once showed up an hour late to my freshman Homecoming Dance because I was watching that movie at home. As you might guess, I wasn’t exactly a hit with the ladies at the time.
Regardless, I always felt that Rob Schneider always was great in efforts that did not require much substance from him, given that his acting “talents” tended to preclude him from the sentence I just wrote.
sucks: Rob Schneider, in a leading role
Feel free to peruse the man’s imdb.com page sometime. Literally, it’s a murderer’s row of the mediocre, and that may be being kind. These are the types of movies that if you stumbled upon them on TBS or were subjected to them on a long flight, you would at least consider ending your own life. Not that you'd do it, but it would at least be on the table. Case in point:
- The Hot Chick
- The Animal
- Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
- Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
- The Benchwarmers
Holy shit. What an out and out travesty. This man has spewed more crap than Linda Blair in the Exorcist. The sheer volume of excrement this man has emitted into the atmosphere over the last decade or so has reportedly got his house listed as a Superfund site, where his movements are monitored constantly by the EPA.
In summation, I feel the creators of South Park really hit the nail on the head.
awesome/sucks: being an attractive young starlet and landing the romantic lead in a film, only to find out your co-star is Rob Schneider
Look at those beautiful young things!
(exasperated)
(sighing)
(momentarily questioning the meaning of life)
With Rob Schneider???? How does a Hollywood agent not avoid him like the plague??
Seriously, I honestly feel bad for these girls. You study all your life to be an actress. Drama classes and off-Broadway productions to really hone those acting chops. Toning your body at the gym, linguistics classes to sharpen accents and delivery, complete dedication. Finally landing that part. That's the awesome part. All that work, finally paying off. Then you show up to the set the first day and you’ve got Rob Schneider waiting for you. Talk about a kick in the proverbial junk.
Utterly unbelievable. No word yet on whether any of these women has ever been heard from again. Come to think of it, these girls all probably have their own island together somewhere, where they conduct Rob Schneider self-help groups to erase the painful scars of a misspent youth. They certainly can't show themselves around Hollywood anymore, as having made out with Rob Schneider - even if merely for a movie - is more acute career suicide than having acted in a German schiesse film. I think if these gals were given the option to have acted across from Schneider or getting herpes, they would probably side with the latter.
awesome/sucks vid of the day:
Quick hitters today. My continued mockery of David Lee Roth and a good take on the Pick-Up Artist.
awesome: Rob Schneider, in a supplementary role
Whether it’s acting as one of the Gap girls, the role of the “you can do it” guy from The Waterboy, the “three seashells” cop from Demolition Man, or the foreign delivery guy from Big Daddy, Mssr. Schneider has always fared well in a supporting role. Why may you ask? Simply put, it gives him less of a chance to fuck things up. He also receives bonus points for the afore-mentioned performance in Demolition Man, mainly because as any of my high-school friends will tell you, I once showed up an hour late to my freshman Homecoming Dance because I was watching that movie at home. As you might guess, I wasn’t exactly a hit with the ladies at the time.
Regardless, I always felt that Rob Schneider always was great in efforts that did not require much substance from him, given that his acting “talents” tended to preclude him from the sentence I just wrote.
sucks: Rob Schneider, in a leading role
Feel free to peruse the man’s imdb.com page sometime. Literally, it’s a murderer’s row of the mediocre, and that may be being kind. These are the types of movies that if you stumbled upon them on TBS or were subjected to them on a long flight, you would at least consider ending your own life. Not that you'd do it, but it would at least be on the table. Case in point:
- The Hot Chick
- The Animal
- Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
- Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
- The Benchwarmers
Holy shit. What an out and out travesty. This man has spewed more crap than Linda Blair in the Exorcist. The sheer volume of excrement this man has emitted into the atmosphere over the last decade or so has reportedly got his house listed as a Superfund site, where his movements are monitored constantly by the EPA.
In summation, I feel the creators of South Park really hit the nail on the head.
awesome/sucks: being an attractive young starlet and landing the romantic lead in a film, only to find out your co-star is Rob Schneider
Look at those beautiful young things!
(exasperated)
(sighing)
(momentarily questioning the meaning of life)
With Rob Schneider???? How does a Hollywood agent not avoid him like the plague??
Seriously, I honestly feel bad for these girls. You study all your life to be an actress. Drama classes and off-Broadway productions to really hone those acting chops. Toning your body at the gym, linguistics classes to sharpen accents and delivery, complete dedication. Finally landing that part. That's the awesome part. All that work, finally paying off. Then you show up to the set the first day and you’ve got Rob Schneider waiting for you. Talk about a kick in the proverbial junk.
Utterly unbelievable. No word yet on whether any of these women has ever been heard from again. Come to think of it, these girls all probably have their own island together somewhere, where they conduct Rob Schneider self-help groups to erase the painful scars of a misspent youth. They certainly can't show themselves around Hollywood anymore, as having made out with Rob Schneider - even if merely for a movie - is more acute career suicide than having acted in a German schiesse film. I think if these gals were given the option to have acted across from Schneider or getting herpes, they would probably side with the latter.
awesome/sucks vid of the day:
Quick hitters today. My continued mockery of David Lee Roth and a good take on the Pick-Up Artist.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
A post only Barnicle and Selvestre Aguilar will get...
Colina Middle School bus drivers:
*Note: because images of these giants of the bus driving industry exist only in our fond memories, I have provided celebrity look-a-likes for each so that the reader may picture a close likeness of them.
Awesome: Mel
Mel was just the type of school bus driver you love: so lazy that he didn't care if you threw candy corn on his bus, with a touch of surliness that made him endearing. He generally ignored any offers of proof that you actually belonged on that bus route. His growls were limited to extreme instances of tomfoolery, which were limited out of respect for the man. He looked the part as well, with an unkempt appearance, shirt untucked. He had a shady, scraggily beard flecked with white whiskers and bread crumbs. He was a man who made $11.35 an hour and didn't ask more of life. A true gentleman.
Celebrity look-a-like: A poor man's Dom Deluise.
Sucks: Olay (aka "Greg 'Bollee' Williams)
Olay was our driver for the better part of 7th grade. A good guy, but he took his job seriously and made a real effort to enforce the unwritten bus rules. These attempts opened him to a torrent of ridicule at the hands of many, including his nemesis in chief, Martin "Spagone" Ighani. He was frequently pelted with objects of varying sizes. He wore leather gloves to drive, so as to have a better grip on the wheel, and made liberal use of the mirror to monitor the bus. On one of the last days of school, Olay finally informed the
crowd that his name was not Olay, but Greg "Bollee" Williams. I remember I felt bad that we had called him "Olay" for nearly a year. Olay had constant problems with the bus' manual shifting, and thus was a poor driver. His crowning achievement was crapping out the transmission on a busy stretch of road, forcing two of this blog's contributors to walk several miles home through the drainage creek. I remember thinking, "I can't believe he's just letting dozens of kids walk home." These are the types of things that keep bus company's general counsels up at night.Celebrity look a like: a combination of Star Wars-era Billy Dee Williams and a younger Lester from The Wire.
Awesome/Sucks: Mel's daughter Kim
At some point, Mel's daughter Kim took over Mel's route. I don't remember how we found out she was Mel's daughter. She sucked because she yelled at us constantly. She was awesome, though, for the greatest line ever uttered by a driver. One day, we were in open rebellion against her ironfisted rule like the Sons of Liberty in Boston in 1775. One intrepid Sam Adams-like character dragged family into it, daring to start the chant: "WE WANT MEL! WE WANT MEL!" After several minutes of chanting, it reached a crescendo, and, in between our chants, perfectly timed, she screamed: "YEAH? SO DOES YOUR MOMMA!!!!!!" The house came down in a chorus of "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" It was a Pyhrric victory, because it only caused more noise. Some would credit this day as inventing the Class of 99 cheer, which was a derisive and melodic "OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Celebrity look-a-like: Ricki Lake circa 1993.
awesome/sucks vid of the day
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
awesome/sucks: sweet tooth
First of all, my fateful brethren, let me apologize for my recent lack of posts. To put it one way, my job currently pays me a sum of money to perform certain tasks at certain times, many of which I find to be inconvenient while running a sputtering social life and a blog which only entertains myself (and occasionally another sap or two). To put it another way, I won't exactly be filling out awesome/sucks on my 1040 form in 2008, unless of course I sell out like a mo fo, throw on some podcasts, and subversively include more advertisements than an Austin Powers movie. Anyways, I am declaring that I am back with a vengeance, and am calling an "all hands on deck" for continued a/s submissions.
Today I thought I would touch upon a spectrum of candy products, especially poignant in the light of another classic Barnes failed new year's resolution of trimming down. Fuck.
awesome: fun dip
Is there a candy that beats Fun Dip? Seriously, name one? You dip a stick of sugar... in more sugar! Fucking brilliant! Again, I can not for the life of me wonder why our country is such a teeming mass of fat asses. Jared from Subway must have been sucking these down by the metric ton before he decided that marauding six-inch after six-inch (take that however you want) would be a good way to slim down from a D-cup. If you ever wonder why the nation is beset by methamphetamine addicts, video game junkies, and kids who pop ritalin to control an ever-rampaging ADD epidemic, it may just be because we've ran out of orifices with which to cram sugar into. Truly Fun Dip was ahead of its time.
Seriously though, I can not believe these things are still allowed to be sold on the open market, but the fact that they are - I think - leads me to believe someone up there likes us.
sucks: almond joy
Ewwwwww. Gross. Actually, I can't decide whether I like Almond Joy or Mounds less. I always get them confused. They are effectively the Milli and Vanilli or candy; you're probably going to confuse them from time to time, but they both suck anyways so who cares. Regardless, Almond Joy was the candy bar that decided to push all their chips to the middle of the table and cram coconut in the middle. That's essentially like me in Vegas ordering my seventh red bull vodka at a blackjack table - you've got to appreciate the gumption but that doesn't mean its a good idea. The short version of the Almond Joy-Mounds-suck duo is that if any house on the block gave them away for Halloween, they were surreptitiously blacklisted, only to have their house assaulted by eggs, shaving cream, toilet paper, and other accouterments in subsequent visits (Editor's Note: All potential vandalism cases have long since past statutes of limitations).
awesome/sucks: sour patch kids
Honestly, Sour Patch Kids are awesome. Let me just get that out of the way. I can not remember a single time I have purchased these demonic foodstuffs that did not result in me consuming the entire box in less than approximately 20 seconds. They're fantastic, there's no getting around it. A true culinary experience for the uninitiated. That being said...
There are some drawbacks to the candy. Some are a result of presentation, while other issues are a result of the items' unique design. First of all, NASA scientists have concluded after 7 years of double-blind studies - costing over $760 million in taxpayer contributions - that no current method of consumption of Sour Patch Kids can avoid the inevitable sticky handedness that results. I can only assume that the purveyors of Sour Patch Kids are waiting for the other shoe to drop on some massive multi-billion dollar dry cleaning class action suit.
Additionally, the packaging of these delicious candies in straw-form presents some logistical difficulties. Now, assuming you enjoy candy like the next person, the unique straw format presents an interesting new way to hasten your way to diabetes [cue inevitable Wilford Brimley link. OK, another link]. However, if you're like this guy I knew in college who drank soda via straws that were essentially composed of spun sugar, well then you're just a plain fuckin' weirdo. Again, he drank a drink with sugar utilizing a tool made of sugar that had sugar sprinkled on top. Seriously, the guy could have molested cockatoos in his spare time and would have been less ostracized. The moral of the story: if your method of consumption makes Jolt Cola look measured by comparison, it's time to reevaluate.
awesome/sucks video of the day:
Here comes a slew of fantastic videos that I have enjoyed over the past several weeks. Enjoy the inevitable impending timesink.
Hey Ron Paul, might want to be able to answer this in the future. It'll be asked. A lot.
Wasn't sure this was worth 18 million views, til I saw the produce.
Thanks to JDB for this. This kind of ruins all those Chicago Bulls intros in the 90's.
And finally, if you haven't seen the wonderful Jimmy Kimmel-Sarah Silverman-Matt Damon-Ben Affleck back-and-forth videos, climb out of from under that rock and check this and this out.
Expect more posts this week. Sorry clients!
Today I thought I would touch upon a spectrum of candy products, especially poignant in the light of another classic Barnes failed new year's resolution of trimming down. Fuck.
awesome: fun dip
Is there a candy that beats Fun Dip? Seriously, name one? You dip a stick of sugar... in more sugar! Fucking brilliant! Again, I can not for the life of me wonder why our country is such a teeming mass of fat asses. Jared from Subway must have been sucking these down by the metric ton before he decided that marauding six-inch after six-inch (take that however you want) would be a good way to slim down from a D-cup. If you ever wonder why the nation is beset by methamphetamine addicts, video game junkies, and kids who pop ritalin to control an ever-rampaging ADD epidemic, it may just be because we've ran out of orifices with which to cram sugar into. Truly Fun Dip was ahead of its time.
Seriously though, I can not believe these things are still allowed to be sold on the open market, but the fact that they are - I think - leads me to believe someone up there likes us.
sucks: almond joy
Ewwwwww. Gross. Actually, I can't decide whether I like Almond Joy or Mounds less. I always get them confused. They are effectively the Milli and Vanilli or candy; you're probably going to confuse them from time to time, but they both suck anyways so who cares. Regardless, Almond Joy was the candy bar that decided to push all their chips to the middle of the table and cram coconut in the middle. That's essentially like me in Vegas ordering my seventh red bull vodka at a blackjack table - you've got to appreciate the gumption but that doesn't mean its a good idea. The short version of the Almond Joy-Mounds-suck duo is that if any house on the block gave them away for Halloween, they were surreptitiously blacklisted, only to have their house assaulted by eggs, shaving cream, toilet paper, and other accouterments in subsequent visits (Editor's Note: All potential vandalism cases have long since past statutes of limitations).
awesome/sucks: sour patch kids
Honestly, Sour Patch Kids are awesome. Let me just get that out of the way. I can not remember a single time I have purchased these demonic foodstuffs that did not result in me consuming the entire box in less than approximately 20 seconds. They're fantastic, there's no getting around it. A true culinary experience for the uninitiated. That being said...
There are some drawbacks to the candy. Some are a result of presentation, while other issues are a result of the items' unique design. First of all, NASA scientists have concluded after 7 years of double-blind studies - costing over $760 million in taxpayer contributions - that no current method of consumption of Sour Patch Kids can avoid the inevitable sticky handedness that results. I can only assume that the purveyors of Sour Patch Kids are waiting for the other shoe to drop on some massive multi-billion dollar dry cleaning class action suit.
Additionally, the packaging of these delicious candies in straw-form presents some logistical difficulties. Now, assuming you enjoy candy like the next person, the unique straw format presents an interesting new way to hasten your way to diabetes [cue inevitable Wilford Brimley link. OK, another link]. However, if you're like this guy I knew in college who drank soda via straws that were essentially composed of spun sugar, well then you're just a plain fuckin' weirdo. Again, he drank a drink with sugar utilizing a tool made of sugar that had sugar sprinkled on top. Seriously, the guy could have molested cockatoos in his spare time and would have been less ostracized. The moral of the story: if your method of consumption makes Jolt Cola look measured by comparison, it's time to reevaluate.
awesome/sucks video of the day:
Here comes a slew of fantastic videos that I have enjoyed over the past several weeks. Enjoy the inevitable impending timesink.
Hey Ron Paul, might want to be able to answer this in the future. It'll be asked. A lot.
Wasn't sure this was worth 18 million views, til I saw the produce.
Thanks to JDB for this. This kind of ruins all those Chicago Bulls intros in the 90's.
And finally, if you haven't seen the wonderful Jimmy Kimmel-Sarah Silverman-Matt Damon-Ben Affleck back-and-forth videos, climb out of from under that rock and check this and this out.
Expect more posts this week. Sorry clients!
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