awesome/sucks: sweet tooth

First of all, my fateful brethren, let me apologize for my recent lack of posts. To put it one way, my job currently pays me a sum of money to perform certain tasks at certain times, many of which I find to be inconvenient while running a sputtering social life and a blog which only entertains myself (and occasionally another sap or two). To put it another way, I won't exactly be filling out awesome/sucks on my 1040 form in 2008, unless of course I sell out like a mo fo, throw on some podcasts, and subversively include more advertisements than an Austin Powers movie. Anyways, I am declaring that I am back with a vengeance, and am calling an "all hands on deck" for continued a/s submissions.

Today I thought I would touch upon a spectrum of candy products, especially poignant in the light of another classic Barnes failed new year's resolution of trimming down. Fuck.

awesome: fun dip














Is there a candy that beats Fun Dip? Seriously, name one? You dip a stick of sugar... in more sugar! Fucking brilliant! Again, I can not for the life of me wonder why our country is such a teeming mass of fat asses. Jared from Subway must have been sucking these down by the metric ton before he decided that marauding six-inch after six-inch (take that however you want) would be a good way to slim down from a D-cup. If you ever wonder why the nation is beset by methamphetamine addicts, video game junkies, and kids who pop ritalin to control an ever-rampaging ADD epidemic, it may just be because we've ran out of orifices with which to cram sugar into. Truly Fun Dip was ahead of its time.

Seriously though, I can not believe these things are still allowed to be sold on the open market, but the fact that they are - I think - leads me to believe someone up there likes us.

sucks: almond joy









Ewwwwww. Gross. Actually, I can't decide whether I like Almond Joy or Mounds less. I always get them confused. They are effectively the Milli and Vanilli or candy; you're probably going to confuse them from time to time, but they both suck anyways so who cares. Regardless, Almond Joy was the candy bar that decided to push all their chips to the middle of the table and cram coconut in the middle. That's essentially like me in Vegas ordering my seventh red bull vodka at a blackjack table - you've got to appreciate the gumption but that doesn't mean its a good idea. The short version of the Almond Joy-Mounds-suck duo is that if any house on the block gave them away for Halloween, they were surreptitiously blacklisted, only to have their house assaulted by eggs, shaving cream, toilet paper, and other accouterments in subsequent visits (Editor's Note: All potential vandalism cases have long since past statutes of limitations).

awesome/sucks: sour patch kids













Honestly, Sour Patch Kids are awesome. Let me just get that out of the way. I can not remember a single time I have purchased these demonic foodstuffs that did not result in me consuming the entire box in less than approximately 20 seconds. They're fantastic, there's no getting around it. A true culinary experience for the uninitiated. That being said...

There are some drawbacks to the candy. Some are a result of presentation, while other issues are a result of the items' unique design. First of all, NASA scientists have concluded after 7 years of double-blind studies - costing over $760 million in taxpayer contributions - that no current method of consumption of Sour Patch Kids can avoid the inevitable sticky handedness that results. I can only assume that the purveyors of Sour Patch Kids are waiting for the other shoe to drop on some massive multi-billion dollar dry cleaning class action suit.

Additionally, the packaging of these delicious candies in straw-form presents some logistical difficulties. Now, assuming you enjoy candy like the next person, the unique straw format presents an interesting new way to hasten your way to diabetes [cue inevitable Wilford Brimley link. OK, another link]. However, if you're like this guy I knew in college who drank soda via straws that were essentially composed of spun sugar, well then you're just a plain fuckin' weirdo. Again, he drank a drink with sugar utilizing a tool made of sugar that had sugar sprinkled on top. Seriously, the guy could have molested cockatoos in his spare time and would have been less ostracized. The moral of the story: if your method of consumption makes Jolt Cola look measured by comparison, it's time to reevaluate.

awesome/sucks video of the day:

Here comes a slew of fantastic videos that I have enjoyed over the past several weeks. Enjoy the inevitable impending timesink.

Hey Ron Paul, might want to be able to answer this in the future. It'll be asked. A lot.

Wasn't sure this was worth 18 million views, til I saw the produce.

Thanks to JDB for this. This kind of ruins all those Chicago Bulls intros in the 90's.

And finally, if you haven't seen the wonderful Jimmy Kimmel-Sarah Silverman-Matt Damon-Ben Affleck back-and-forth videos, climb out of from under that rock and check this and this out.

Expect more posts this week. Sorry clients!