awesome/sucks: point a to point b

Given that I have been charging an inordinate amount of money towards means of transportation to clients recently, I think this is as good a time as any to get into the clearly awesome and embarrassingly sucky varieties of transit out there. Let’s be honest, there’s a lot of the latter.

awesome: walking















I was going to go with JetBlue, but I’ve actually never flown with them. Pathetic, I know. Instead, I am left with the U.S. Airways, America Wests, and ATA’s of the world. Not exactly a murderer’s row.

Regarding my selection – I know what you’re thinking… walking’s for suckers. In fact, I have said those words on many occasions. Point taken. But given that I walk to and from work every day, I feel compelled to point out the benefits of walking from time to time. For instance, here are some fun facts about walking that may provide you with a slightly different perspective. Fun Fact #1: Did you know that walking for just 30 minutes a day can burn up to 300 calories a day? Fun Fact #2: Did you know that a consistent walking regimen can improve your metabolic rate by up to 15%? Fun Fact #3: Did you realize that by cleverly leveraging Google and making stuff up, you can provide an inordinate number of fun facts with dubious accuracy? Fun Fact #4: Did you know that you could count that on your billable hours? True story!

sucks: the train, the bus (tie)













Due to the potential for litigation, I will refrain from referencing specific train and bus transit providers. But suffice it to say, one is a train service that always derails and the other is a bus service that is an exhibit for the tragedy of the human condition. There are those old-timers who say that taking the train is a great way to see America and that it really gives you some perspective. Fuck that. I am a young man who is assaulted by thousands of visual images a day. I’m so desensitized that my first reaction to “Two Girls, One Cup” was not one of horror, but more of logistical query. These trips take too long and they are unfailingly uncomfortable, so you might as well fly. I will say though they have always been mighty kind to my hobo-brethren.










The bus, however, is the worst. I once bought a ticket to get on a red-eye bus from Jacksonville to Miami that left at 8pm and arrived at 4am at the airport. I saw things that can not be unseen. To be honest, I am still somewhat surprised to this day that I was not utilized in any sort of sketch-artist mockup that day. I saw a man wipe his nose with his sleeve, then his sleeve with his ass. That’s right – not wiping his ass with his sleeve, but the other way around. Truly, the degenerate circle of life. I think, in truth, The Onion said it best.

awesome/sucks: cabbies














Hey, Cabbie!

I have a love-hate affair with all cabbies. As the venerable sage JDB once uttered, “Rule #1: Never trust a cabbie.” Frankly, I think that should be rules two through ten as well. I’m sure one of the current rules is that their hygiene must be beyond bad, settling somewhere near “patently offensive.” Another immutable law with cabbies is that, if from Europe, their last names must contain at least twelve consecutive consonants. Umlats and accent marks are also appreciated.

As smelly and weird as cabbies can be, they usually are also pretty good at dealing with drunks, which is an invaluable skill to me. During one cab ride with JDB in Austin, he was so drunk that he threw up all over the backseat, so the cabbie yelled at us. Which sucked. But then I slipped him a twenty and he was cool. Which was awesome. The classic yin-yang that is the cabbie.

I implore everyone to add a great cab story they’ve encountered, because surely each experience is a unique, nuanced experience in the dynamic mosaic of the cabbie-fare relationship.

Godspeed cabbies.

awesome/sucks vid of the day:

This classic Will Smith vehicle. As a rapper sir, you are not legend.

The origin of the Rickroll

If there is anything that is both awesome and sucks, it is a rickroll. It is awesome to pull off, sucks when they dont fall for it. Sucks when you link to something that truly sparked your curiosity only to have Rick shimmy shuffle your face off. But inevitably awesome when Rick's smiling face peers from that youtube window into your eyes. For those who don't know, it all started with a little something called a Duck Roll. Have a looksy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KT--CsBh5TM

awesome/sucks: vid of the day

This video may or may not be the best thing Finland has exported since Nokia. Time will tell.

The Abyss of Nick Cage Post-Oscar Part I: The Story of a Misspent Sunday

The weekend before the Superbowl is by far the worst of the year. No football means scanning the channels for entertainment with low expectations. This weekend, it seemed USA, TNT and TBS presented an answer in the form of the filmography of an actor as much awesome as sucky. That actor is Academy Award Winner Nicolas Cage. I spent the better part of the day delighting in National Treasure, an opus of the awesome/sucks genre, and Godfather Part III, which has the Nick Cage connection via Sophia Coppola, daughter to Francis Ford and cousin to . . . Nicolas Cage.

No one faults an Academy Award winner for cashing in post-Oscar. It is a rite of passage to pick up that first $10 million-per-movie paycheck the second you fold up that acceptance speech. But Nick Cage took it to a whole new level. I present to you the filmography of Nicolas Cage, post Oscar to 2005: a ten year period of films that include some of the most awesomely sucky movies of all time. The first movie in this multi-part series: The Rock.

The Rock - 1996
Awesome/Sucks Rating: 8/10
7 word summary: Cage stops VX rockets, Cage saves day.
Best Cage Line: "How in the name of Zeus' BUTTHOLE did you get out of your cell!"- Stanley Goodspeed to John Mason after being captured.
Bonus line: "What kinda FUCKED UP tour is this?" - Random Hostage #6.
Most ridiculous moment: Newly confident Cage defeats a heavily armed ex-marine with a quip from an Elton John song.
Key Awesome/Sucks Moment: Slow motion zoom in on Cage with the green flares as the F-15s zoom across Alcatraz destroying it with thermite plasma.
Better Use of Key Location: So I Married an Axe Murderer - Scene starring Phil Hartman, where he discusses Machine Gun Kelly's prison-friend.
Best Plot Hole/Mistake: At one point the FBI guy played by classic "That Guy" William Forsythe says the rocket is headed toward a football game in Oakland, but they show Candlestick Park where the Niners play. Unforgiveable!
Nitpick: One of the marines insults Mason, played by Sean Connery, because he's English, and the marine's father was Irish. However, earlier in the movie the guy that played the introspective guy in High Fidelity firmly established that Mason was born in Scotland (specifically Glasgow), and Mason was thus a Scot, not English. The Scots suffered at the hands of the English as well. The marine could have been referring to the Scots that settled Northern Ireland that later became the Protestant ascendency in the six county area. This of course would lead to decades of sectarian strife, culminating with the notorious "Troubles" of the 1960s-80s, but Bruckheimer doesn't develop the reference and we are left to guess.

Next week: Con Air

awesome/sucks: on the move

Given that I have been whisked away to Pittsburgh for yet another series of meetings, I figured today's theme could be altered to address my current state of mind.

awesome: traveling (for fun)













Who doesn't love traveling? There's nothing like whisking away to the islands for a week or two, dropping ridiculous amounts of cash on drinks which prominently feature Triplesec, Midori, and Curacao, and figuring out ways to get every piece of your luggage coated with at least 3 or 4 layers of sand. Unless you are a starting quarterback for one of the nation's most visible football teams and you happen to be dating a woman whose chief offense in life is not having thought tuna was actually chicken but that her claim to fame was being married to Nick Lachey. Yikes. In that case, peace and quiet is probably not your thing. But taking some time off and going to places like Cancun always reminds me of those fateful college years that were spent figuring out fresh, innovative ways in which to drink ever more impressive arrays of alcohol. Sigh.

sucks: traveling (in basketball)

















With all the star power that exists in the NBA today - Kobe, Lebron, Mark Madsen - ratings for last year's finals between Cleveland and San Antonio were the lowest in some time (Editor's Note: I would provide you with figures like "how low" and "in what time" if I gave any regard to factual accuracy. As usual, I rely mostly on hearsay, asides, and the fifth-person. Also, please note the lack of any photography sourcing thus far. That was inevitable.). While defensive games and low-scoring is certainly part of the problem, many old-schoolers point to the lack of fundamentals in things like passing and dribbling as to reasons why the game does not resonate with more people in the U.S. As far as traveling goes, look at the above move that Allen Iverson is about to do; his body has managed to create some vortex or wormhole to allow him to function on four dimensions, or at least that must be his premise when you watch him perform a move that in no way could conform to the laws of physics were the game called to the letter of the law. However, I will say that without the ability to blatantly flout the rules of the game, you would not get videos like this. THA PROFESSSAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

awesome/sucks: traveling (for work)

This goes out to all the road warriors...












I actually suppose this is more applicable...

















What a depressing sight. Where is this guy traveling to anyway? Time for that mid-level sales meeting on the surface of the sun! But to be frank, we can all relate (or many of us can, anyways). There's nothing like work travel. For instance, if I said to you the following cities - Indianapolis (Indiana), Dayton (Ohio), Pittsburgh (Pennsylvania), Richmond (Indiana), Charlotte (North Carolina) - what would you say? "Ummm, the initial dates for Def Leppard's '9 Arms, One Heart' Tour?" You'd be wrong, friend. They are actually cities I've spent an inordinate amount of time in over the past year. Were they fun? Hell no. Usually. I was there working for chrissakes. But the beauty of flying to one of these jewels in the Rust Belt is you can always count on some solid second-tier airport free wi-fi. And you best believe that be makin' a difference. While occasionally (i.e. every time) I have to endure airport hell or rent cars in the middle of rain storms, at least I'm racking up mileage points on an airline I hate with an innate passion!

awesome/sucks: media of the day

Thanks to Baltruzak for sending this to me. It's isolated vocals of David Lee Roth singing "Runnin' With the Devil." It's the whistles that get me. I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face. At work. Oops.

awesome/sucks: expert karate tutorial

I imagine it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to the ancient art of karate to learn how to break a massive pile of bricks with your fist. I, for one, would never even want to try it for fear of, I don't know, causing massive bodily injury to myself. Well, in this clip, we get an expert tutorial on brick breaking from a karate master that can only be described as awesome (mostly because he sucks).

awesome: vid of the day

I should point out that the whole joke of this video is the subtitles (someone actually said 'Dude, I don't speak German). Some context in football, or at the very least US Weekly, is helpful as well.

awesome/sucks: vid of the day

Thank you, Steve Perry. And to you other guys. Never seen "air keyboard" done before. This video needs no (or defies) explanation.

awesome/sucks: the bomb

Welcome to the first enthralling segment of awesome/sucks, which once again will cover things that are awesome and/or that suck, but most notably, those that borrow liberally from each adjective. So first things first, let's get into the bomb.

awesome: car bombs









actually - not what i'm looking for, let's try that again:









Beautiful. I'm thirsty just thinking of them. Irish carbombs. Damn. Those are awesome. I defy you to tell me otherwise. It exists within a precious few libations whereupon you can have ample portions of cream, sugar, and beer; this is one such experience. Seriously - it's like a Frappacino on steroids. These drinks get bonus points for reminding me of the main drink of me and my friends in high school - the mudslide. Yes, you read that right. I can't believe I never got laid. "Hey girl, I've got a 750 of Kahlua and a pint of Dreyer's - let's make something happen. Where are you going?" Car bombs also get bonus points for the aggregate number of incurred blackouts I can attribute to their ingredients. Literally, I could wake up in Hanoi in some scuba gear after a long night on the car bomb train and not bat an eye. Not for the faint of heart.

sucks: actual bombs










Yes, surprisingly, despite the nightly wars I wage against my bank account and liver, I am not the largest fan of things that go boom. Call me crazy. These devices also indirectly led to the title of U2's album How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, which features the song "Vertigo" and has caused a legion of dedicated fans to re-examine themselves. At least that led to this from South Park.

awesome/sucks: (tie) sake bombs, jager bombs


























Wow. Just looking at those pictures give me the shakes. First things first, sake bombs. There are obviously the good parts: binge drinking, chopsticks, a universally accepted hint of racism usually presented by the typically lilly-white participants, which leads to snarky comments from the staff. All good things, to some degree. It's not all sunshine and lollipops with the sake bombs, however. The hangovers, for instance, are ungodly. I had one last year that felt like a skinhead in Doc Martens was systematically kicking my skull in... for four hours. Oh, and I was at work. I guess that's more a "me" problem than an overall problem. Then, of course, there are the participants themselves. Blazers, distressed jeans, leather watches - it's effectively a ringing indictment on the entire hipster movement (Editor's Note: I own all of the aforementioned articles of clothing). I happen to love sake bombing. It combines my love affair with alcohol with my passion for smashing my fist against tables and occasionally my unquenched desire for broken glass. I'm just saying that when fun begins, douchebags will follow.

Ah yes, speaking of douchebags.... jager bombs. A colorful cousin of the "Meathead Specials" or "Rocket Fuel" you may know vodka and Red Bulls as, I'm sure this little number of Jager and Red Bull could also go by the moniker "Date Rape in a Glass". Bust out your best striped shirt and enjoy the thrilling ride as the alcohol slows your body to a crawl and the Red Bull hurtles you through a windowpane; Alright! I once drank between 7 and 12 Red Bull vodkas at a casino in Las Vegas and stumbled out of the casino in broad daylight at 8am and tried to pawn my watch for more gambling money. Read that again. That's a true story. I could only imagine what would have happened had I substituted shitty well vodka with the hyperactive deer's blood that is Jagermeister. I probably would have pulled an Owen Wilson in Royal Tenenbaums, covering my face in Native American face paint before plowing a cherry red convertible into a beagle. Counterpoint: the drink is a key catalyst for this wonderful piece of work. Which is nice.

video link of the day: (courtesy erio) http://www.glumbert.com/media/karaoke

Truly this is awesome because it sucks. I feel so bad for whoever's bar mitzvah that was. Videos like that don't make you a man, they haunt your dreams.

Welcome.

Welcome to awesome/sucks, a blog, which you will find in time is both awesome and sucks, hence the clever name. In this world, there are two categories within which items may fall - those that are awesome and those which suck. In rare circumstances, the fates may align to produce an item that both sucks and is awesome (think: the band Journey or the movie Con Air). For you visual people (see below):

It is my duty to highlight this varied spectrum of awesomeness and suckitude, and to bring to the masses those simple pleasures in life which borrow heavily from both columns. Given my proclivity to gain self-esteem by assailing others, I can assure you that future posts will most likely begin on things that suck, so Good Luck Chuck and Season 6 of 24, at least you get a head start.

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