A post only Barnicle and Selvestre Aguilar will get...

Colina Middle School bus drivers:
*Note: because images of these giants of the bus driving industry exist only in our fond memories, I have provided celebrity look-a-likes for each so that the reader may picture a close likeness of them.

Awesome: Mel

Mel was just the type of school bus driver you love: so lazy that he didn't care if you threw candy corn on his bus, with a touch of surliness that made him endearing. He generally ignored any offers of proof that you actually belonged on that bus route. His growls were limited to extreme instances of tomfoolery, which were limited out of respect for the man. He looked the part as well, with an unkempt appearance, shirt untucked. He had a shady, scraggily beard flecked with white whiskers and bread crumbs. He was a man who made $11.35 an hour and didn't ask more of life. A true gentleman.

Celebrity look-a-like: A poor man's Dom Deluise.

Sucks: Olay (aka "Greg 'Bollee' Williams)

Olay was our driver for the better part of 7th grade. A good guy, but he took his job seriously and made a real effort to enforce the unwritten bus rules. These attempts opened him to a torrent of ridicule at the hands of many, including his nemesis in chief, Martin "Spagone" Ighani. He was frequently pelted with objects of varying sizes. He wore leather gloves to drive, so as to have a better grip on the wheel, and made liberal use of the mirror to monitor the bus. On one of the last days of school, Olay finally informed the crowd that his name was not Olay, but Greg "Bollee" Williams. I remember I felt bad that we had called him "Olay" for nearly a year. Olay had constant problems with the bus' manual shifting, and thus was a poor driver. His crowning achievement was crapping out the transmission on a busy stretch of road, forcing two of this blog's contributors to walk several miles home through the drainage creek. I remember thinking, "I can't believe he's just letting dozens of kids walk home." These are the types of things that keep bus company's general counsels up at night.

Celebrity look a like: a combination of Star Wars-era Billy Dee Williams and a younger Lester from The Wire.

Awesome/Sucks: Mel's daughter Kim

At some point, Mel's daughter Kim took over Mel's route. I don't remember how we found out she was Mel's daughter. She sucked because she yelled at us constantly. She was awesome, though, for the greatest line ever uttered by a driver. One day, we were in open rebellion against her ironfisted rule like the Sons of Liberty in Boston in 1775. One intrepid Sam Adams-like character dragged family into it, daring to start the chant: "WE WANT MEL! WE WANT MEL!" After several minutes of chanting, it reached a crescendo, and, in between our chants, perfectly timed, she screamed: "YEAH? SO DOES YOUR MOMMA!!!!!!" The house came down in a chorus of "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" It was a Pyhrric victory, because it only caused more noise. Some would credit this day as inventing the Class of 99 cheer, which was a derisive and melodic "OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Celebrity look-a-like: Ricki Lake circa 1993.